for parents, grandparents and other parental units only, please!

this is not really a rant, more a seeking of advice....

here's the deal - about 2 weeks after their daughter was born, my friends informed me that i was a god mother for their 2 children. not being catholic, i asked them what they were thinking. once they informed me as to my duties, i asked them what they were smoking and why they hadn't shared!

keep in mind that, as i say, i am not catholic, in fact, the whole idea of organized religion is repulsive to me. i was not asked, i never filled out any forms or submitted any fees for nomination, or whatever. i am not sure it is even legal or consecrated or whatever, as we never 'formalized' anything. the kids have simply grown up calling me creeper, which is apparently slang for godmother. i also have no biological children with which to practice on.

when they were young, it was fun and cute - giving advice on jumpshots and what dress to put barbie in.
but now, my godson is almost 17 and my goddaughter is 11 and they are starting to ask life questions.

so here is my problem. taking all of the above into consideration, how do i give this advice? do i keep talking to them honestly, as i always have, knowing my life advice is almost the polar opposite of what their parents and religion tells them, or do i advise them as i know their parents would wish, even tho this would be lying to them? my honest relationship with them is something i value, and i hestitate to risk that, should they catch me in a lie........

so all you parents out there, please offer me some guidance, if you can. i really do not want to interfer with my friends parenting (and when the kids were younger, i always deferred them to their parents for this kind of stuff), but my godkids are at the stage where they want to talk to a non-parent adult about some things (drugs, sex, etc.).

thank you most sincerely for any help you can give (except for shrinks for the lot of us!)!

Here's my take on this, as a mother of a teen, pre-teen and not yet pre-teen...

Note I'm not Catholic either, but my children do have "Godparents" as well. They call them "Aunt" and "Uncle", not because we're biologically related but because of the closeness and respect for the relationship that I have with the friends I asked to be Godparents to my children.

I would also say that some of how you answer their questions is dependent upon the nature of your relationship both with the parents and the children. My children's Godparents know that should anything happen to us before they are raised and out of the house, they would be called upon to help raise my kids.

If your friends picked you as a Godmother to help raise their children, then the answer is actually quite easy... You answer their questions as openly and honestly as you feel comfortable answering them. With both of them, I would say that you also tell them that by coming to you with their questions, it's clear that they're old enough to make their own decisions. I'd be honest and say that your thoughts/beliefs are different from what their religion teaches, too. My kids stand firmer in their faith for having talked about their reasons for believing what they do with those who don't believe. By saying that "organized religion" repulses you, I'm interrupting it to say that the idea of a higher power is not against your own beliefs, as well as your own moral compass that has guided you through your life. So share that with the kids as their questions come up.

My feeling is that if these two kids trust you enough to come to you with the sort of questions that I imagine from your post that the are asking, they deserve an honest answer. They know already (or probably do) what their religious background would have to say on the matter, but for whatever reason those answers don't "work" for them right now. But help them to come to a place where they can answer the questions for themselves by giving them information rather than advice.

One thing I would NOT do is go to their parents with what specific questions they are asking. But, if you're comfortable doing this, I'd tell the parents that the kids are coming to you with questions, and tell them that you're answering honestly. The parents have a responsibility (note I didn't say "right") to know what's going on in their children's lives. If the 11 year old is asking about birth control, for example, then the parents need that wake up call from someone that their daughter is thinking about sex more than they might realize. But I'd also be straight up with the kids and say "I think your parents need to know about this conversation. I won't tell them anything specific out of it, and I want you to continue to trust me. Your trust means a lot to me. But I think you also need to be able to trust your parents and to give them a chance to guide you as well. So I'd like to talk to them about what I've told you today." That keeps you from being in the middle of the parent/child relationship, doesn't make you feel like you're having to hide something from your friends (the parent's of the kids I mean), but still keeps a level of trust with the kids (hopefully.)

I base all of what I've said here on what I know my relationship with my own kids' Godparents is, and what theirs is. I know that for some things, my kids will be more comfortable talking to their Godparents and not me. If for no other reason than the last thing that a kid wants to think about is that their own parents "do it", they are more willing to talk to someone they don't live with!

Hope this helps give you some perspective from a parent point of view, and that gives you some peace of mind whatever you decide to do.

truth always the way to go imo:)

sorry Velveeta, that my English is not good enough for a more specific answer.
So I have to make it short.
I answer as a mother and godmother.

- Children need to know, that there are other opinions out there, than
the ones of their parents.-
- Children feel if you do not speak the thruth, if you are not authentic, or if you evade a question.
- Children need all input they can get, all informations to make their own choice, to get a picture of the world they are living in.
- Children need adults, others than their parents to talk to and, eg, share experiences, they would never share with their parents.

So if you talk to them in age based language, sensitive listening to their reactions- that will be enrichment to them.
If the parents disagree? Their prob. They trusted you, when they made you godmother. They do their duties, you do yours.

(uhh the more I try the clumsier I get^^) I could talk about that issue all day long, but I hope my points are of any use.

Actually, Lov that's a pretty good point :)

yeap i got every point!! thanx for the input guys! keep it coming, especially any differing viewpoints....

i have a great relationship (as great as i can make it anyway - i am not easy to know in rl, so unlike my game life!! :rolleyes: ) with the 'rents - i have been friends with dad for over 20 years and with the mom since the day they met.....

(i didn't really see the need to say before, but let me break down this very typical american family for you, simply because it does have some bearing on the sitrap. mom, white, was married before to the son's sperm donor, who was black, so son is biracial. mom remarried dad, who is white, and they had daughter. so the family has actually had some problems with the whole race thing as well.)

i have always been honest with both kids and adults....i was a great liar in my torrid youth and experience eventually taught even me that it is just not worth the energy you have to expend when caught in a lie. truth is a low energy state and i am a lazy person.
remind me some day to tell you the story of my godson's rabbit foot and how my goddaughter got her nickname of 'fish' before she was even born.... :o :p :D

Do tell. :cool:

hehe... My son's first word was "fish", so that's often his nickname as well. From the time he was about 10 months to about 3, everything was "fsssssh" (well, and "Mo-mo" because Finding Nemo was on DvD) and Thomas the Tank Engine. Decided that "fsssh" would be a better nickname than anything to do with Thomas. ;)

in family, these stories illustrate my lack of tact and way with kids....

my godson is about 3 or 4 and it is easter time. he has gotten a rabbit's foot for luck and is quite proud of it. he sez to me, 'hey creep, i am gonna give the easter bunny my rabbit's food as a gift!'
i sez back, 'you really think the easter bunny is gonna want one of his relatives feet as a gift?'
we can laugh about it now, but the poor boy was scarred for years after that......



mom had only given birth one time before my gaddaugher was born and had forgotten much of it - but she always remembered that a nurse had told her that when her water broke, there is apparently a plug of some kind, and when it comes out, it feels like a fish trying to swim out.
late in the labor, my friend suddenly yelled out, 'i feel the fish, i feel the fish!' i sheepishly went to the nurse station to report this and suffered the very strange looks when i told them she feels a fish......
and it was a false alarm!
however, the fish was felt for real shortly thereafter and swam out of her little pond.
fast forward some 5 or 6 years later and gd is asking me why i call her fish, and fishface, and bratfish, and other variations thereof.....i proceed to describe the circumstances in no small amount of detail.
gd swears never to become pregnant, a statement causing her dad no small amount of glee.......


so if it is any consolation to anyone, i am as big a jerk to kids as i am to adults! :D ;) :cool:

I wished my son had had a GM like you:-)

Posted on my blog but only one person reads that– so cast my net further afield!!
mich has this no worker left behind thing where you can get some cash for training. $5000 (up to) a year for 2 years.

so i would like your thoughts, if you have the time to spare them, about what i should spend the money on if i get it.....

should i go for training to add some certs to my bsit or
do i go for training in wardrobe for movies/tv?

def more immediate employment possibilities with the certs, but i have always wanted to work in movies (behind the scenes - all the money and work without the side hassles) and there are 3 new studios coming to the area - including the one in allen park that has the training institute attached.

down side is: the wardrobe training is like a full time job - 5days/8hours for about 4 months. the possibility exists of getting unenjoyment bennies with an educationl waiver, but the state of the economy in mich is such that i am sure they will not look kindly on such training that would preclude employment searching, even if it is almost certain to lead to employment at the end of the training.

so do i go for solid but boring IT or do i take what is prolly my last shot at trying something that i always wanted to do?

I'm taking time to follow a dream while unemployed (writing a book). I'll be gearing up for serious job hunting once it's done, but what a wonderful thing to get to do! Follow your dream or you will always wish you had. If it does not work out, you'll "know better" and if it does work out, you'll be happier.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by awdz

Follow your dream or you will always wish you had. If it does not work out, you'll "know better" and if it does work out, you'll be happier.

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I totally agree with this. If you can afford it, go for it!