Friends?

[RuneDragoon]

I've sat seething for hours, not sure what to do. Only writing out a more detailed note on my computer have I only calmed a little... but yet my rage lingers and seeks vindication, although I also know it is impossible to gain any form of retribution.

I guess I shall be told, it is useless and petty to seek retribution and get worked up over game politics. And, politics over in another game entirely even. I know I am bound to be laughed at for posting this, I suppose. But all I can say... is that what bothers me, are the actions speaking louder than the words, and the notions of the actions.

Cutting to the chase: I have suffered a grand betrayal of those who had been thought friends.

[Takora Drakan]

I also was several times betrayed and expolited by people that I thought that where friends to me, RL and game-wise. So I think I understand your frustation and anger. I think this happens often to me because I am naive and believe that all people are "good" out there mostly.

If you want to talk about it, you can send me a pm.

I wish you also that this never happens again to you, cheer up, there are worser things that can happen to you! *hug*

[Shian]

That which can affect you only does so if you let it come to be. Your friends will stand beside you but know that they will not stand there forever.

[gopher65]

Here's my completely insensitive thoughts on this matter in general (I dunno what your particular situation is):

People understand the word 'friend' to mean 'confidant', 'person who will be there for me no matter what', and 'person with whom I am truly close'. This is all true.

The problem is that people throw the word friend around and use it as a label for darned near everyone who they meet. Coworkers are 'friends'. Acquaintances whose name we barely know are 'friends'. That guy at the bus stop with the funky hair-due is a 'friend', just because you engage in cordial chit-chat once a day. People are so loose with the word friend that they apply it to everyone they know with whom they don't have an active blood feud. And you know what? None of those groups of people that I mentioned are my friends, or your friends. They are simply people.

When we apply the word friend to random people that we barely know it makes us feel good about ourselves ("oh I have lots of friends"), but it also makes us vulnerable. Because despite the fact that we know that those people aren't technically really our true friends, we think of them as being 'on our side'. They aren't. They're out for themselves. And you know why? It's cause they aren't your friends, and you aren't their friend. You don't really know each other, and you don't really care for each other. Yet people insist on calling them 'friends', and then end up being surprised when those 'friends' behave like the neutral almost-strangers that they really are.

I can tell you one thing more thing: I have people in my life that I know others call 'friends'. But I know they aren't. They are coworkers, vague acquaintances, a very few online pals, and people that I sometimes hang out with. But they aren't friends. I have no true friends. I'd like some, but I haven't got any... yet. Eventually I hope that I do. But until then, I have to make sure to remember that the people around me are NOT my friends: they're merely other humans wandering around living out their lives. They will not sacrifice themselves for me; they will not betray themselves for me. So try not to be so hurt when a not-friend betrays you. The betrayal will still hurt, but at least you haven't lost a friend, cause they never were one in the first place.

In truth a friend is a soul mate. Maybe they are a lover, or maybe that thought never enters your mind, but that is the level of closeness that real friends have with each other. Everyone else is just fair-weather pal.

EDIT: ('Real' friends. Is everyone else a 'fake' friend:P? Is everyone else an 'untrue' friend? Either you are friends or you aren't.)

[velveeta]

thanx goph for stating it better than i could......

i love my blighties. in game, i would do anything for them. but realistically, we are not friends. i only know what they choose to share ingame, just like they know only what i choose to reveal. i do not call them on the phone, go to the shops or shows, watch movies with them, we don't even go get ice cream together!
i am friendly with them all, but we are not friends.
i can count on my one hand the friends i have and would have fingers left over.

this is not to say that we couldn't become friends - just that we are not now.

a friend is not someone you know - a friend is someone you understand and who understands you, and that is a much rarer thing than the use of the word warrants......


nevertheless - betrayal is never welcome or pleasant, and i too have been thru it, and i understand and feel your pain. as goph said, callous it may be, but also a lesson learned. be friendly but do not assume everyone who shares a game and a kind word is a friend......

[Silverblaze]

#1 if its a roleplaying issue then i fear I have no advice other than do it back or cut your losses.

#2 i cant agree more that there are associates and friends.

a friend will be there for ya when your life is at its worst and his/hers is at its best and wont hesitate to come to your aid. Everyone else is an associate, and they pale in comparison. needless to say in a lifetime you'll have few true friends.

All I can say is worry not, karma will tach them in time. until then take time and heal.

[Steelclaw]

Hey, it happens. Whether you call them friends or acquaintances, buddies, pals, whatever, it doesn't matter -- it still hurts. The thing you should be thinking about is whether or not you want to talk to them and clear the matter up.

I don't know anyting about the nature of your relationship with them or their personality or intentions, so I can't say which of the two is the right choice. Obviously, if they're malicious, you probably don't want to go talk to them again, and that's perfectly reasonable. On the other hand, if everything else you've seen and experienced with those people says that they're "decent" and you want to maintain a relationship (not always the "dating" kind) with them, it's best that you pull them aside and ask them WTF they're doing. Sometimes people are malcious and will use you, sometimes they're just having a bad day (or week...).

Keep in mind two things:

One: your decision in the above matter, within the context of the other person's personality and intentions, reflects upon your own personality. In other words, if they're good people having a bad day, and you decide not to talk to them anymore, you're not much of a friend. Conversely, if you're being used and go back begging to be 'let in', you're naive and probably a bit dumb. (Do note that "Please!! I still want to be friends!" and "What's going on?" are two different things -- the latter is dignified and appropriate, the former is just being weak.)

Two: having your trust "betrayed" or "violated" will happen again. There's no hard and fast rule that justifies that feeling -- and trying to make the feeling unjustified won't make it any less painful. You'll have to find some way to cope with it. The only other option is to avoid all social contact. That just doesn't work.

[Creme]

Pixels seem to bring out the very worst in human nature, sad to say.

[Hasai]

Pixels seem to bring out the very worst in human nature, sad to say.

That's because pixels can't grab the slimy little perp by the throat and smash them repeatedly against a rock until they stop twitching.

....Sorry; a little too much dragon-nip last night. Cinco de Mayo, y'know....

[RuneDragoon]

That's because pixels can't grab the slimy little perp by the throat and smash them repeatedly against a rock until they stop twitching.

Thank you.

Hey, it happens. Whether you call them friends or acquaintances, buddies, pals, whatever, it doesn't matter -- it still hurts. The thing you should be thinking about is whether or not you want to talk to them and clear the matter up.

I had attempted to, but after a long while of not getting straight answers (Mostly avoiding to say anything, or flip flopping answers), I've since given up. It was a blessing for them that I had even considered attempting to talk previously, given the nature of the issue.

[Teto Frum]

Runos, though i dont play often and you even less, all i can add after being a guildmate and from my eyes a friend. You are certainly not the one losing out here from my point it is the others. Hold your head high and keep your convictions, easier to forgive than to forget, once wronged always slighted i think.
Hope we cross paths again someday, oh yea and i cant remember if ive ever done so yet grats on the writing win over kindlefest.

[RuneDragoon]

So, the recent developments in the matter are noting that the issue is either going to go on its way, or darken further. One of them however, is sickening. What kind of a person drags my mother into the fray, when she doesn't even really use the computer? Needless to say, I sat down, talked with her, told her the story, and got her out of the war asap. Do not need any civilian casualties.

Mother noted it was wise for me to choose and let it be known that these people and I would not be speaking.

[Amarie Ancalimon]

Hi RuneDragoon

It sounds like this thread has been helpful to you and we're glad the community was able to reach out.

We're in a bit of a situation though. We've updated our forum rules due to some issues recently and those rules state "Grievances and problems with other members of the Istaria community, be they from the forums or in game, should be discussed in private only. ". In this situation, you're talking about a different game and things are only verging on specific individuals. In the interest of being fair and abiding by our own rules, we're locking this thread. We hope you understand. It's a great feeling to see the community reach out to you and help with your situation.

Best,

Amarie