Is it really all just a farce? What's the difference?

[Shian]

So, I had a bit of an argument with my mother. One I've been trying to get up the courage to do for a while.

I'm home for the holidays for a couple weeks.
I'm busy typing up something and running my hatchie through his ROP. Mom says she wants to pick up something she got on Craig's list and wants to know if I want to come with.
I tell her I don't. (It only took 30 mins to get this group formed up... you couldn't have asked not 20 minutes earlier?) It's 7:30 PM... no thanks.

She makes an offhanded comment when she leaves, something to the tune of, "Of course not, you've been on that computer all day, why quit now?"

I think about it. Yeah, I was on for a few hours in the morning, she left, I got off to play with the dogs, eat something, go bother the horses and shower. When she came back, I was on it again typing. Of course, because I'm in the same spot I was when she left, I had been on it all day despite it being broken hours here and there. That doesn't matter. It's what she thinks happened that's important.

We even went out to eat and do errands together just this morning.

I wait for her to come back to confront her. I told her I was offended at the comment she made. She had no idea what comment I was talking about. Mind you, she's always been throwing these types of jabs at me.

As a kid, I'd get up at 4:30 am so I could get on the internet... just so I wouldn't have to listen to it. She knew I was doing it of course, so always with the offhanded comments and jabs with her.

I asked her what the difference was between me writing something on the internet where thousands of people read it and writing a book where thousands of people read it is.

She came back with the argument of, "A book you make money off of."

Really? Hmm so it's about material wealth?

Okay, what about the time I was a player representitive, something I was kinda proud of, (I didn't get very far because I was interrupted with her poo pooing what I enjoy doing with my free time. Thanks Mom...)

Because I'm 'not out doing something'

Okay, I proceed to regale her with tales of sitting on a tiger in Singapore, Going to a Broadway show in Sydney, getting lost in Venice and nearly missing the boat out (yes, it's possible!) The time I got lost in Okinawa (at this point, she again pointed out that I was 'playing on the internet' while in Japan...) Yeah, sorry mom we can't all go out on $5k trips every day... you DO have to stay at home some time.

So, no matter what I do, she's fixated on the time I spend online, not what I've done in my life or the friends I've kept from school, work etc.

Great! I've been to more countries than I can count. Can wow my BFs friends with any number of tales I've done in my life. (Did I mention I just got accepted to an Ivy Leauge school? That's pretty neat!)

I ask her what she would have me do instead? She had no answer.

A snide comment ran through my head that maybe I should be like every other Joe and memorize the names of everyone that's ever been on Lost or can recite every House episode by number or whatever else is on TV these days. At least in an online game, I can talk to other people instead of sitting behind a mind-numbing TV. I really should have said it.

I go out to the park three times a week when I jog. I just don't find the outdoors as fascinating as my mom does. (She loves to go out and look at trees all the time or scenery)

I'm the type of person that if I've done it once, I'm content with that.

My sister, Sarah wanted to go shopping again today. We went the other day and I know it's just so she can spend time with me. I just don't know what else we can do at this time of year. I went, of course. This awkward time of "I want to send time with you, I just don't know how else to connect' We're just of vastly different interests.

I happen to -enjoy- participating in an online community in my free time and mom can't stand it because she doesn't think it's 'meaningful'.

So what's 'meaningful'? The amount of money you make? The number of friends you have? The number of rooms in your house? The number of people who admire you for being something wonderful?

Surely it can't just be how content you are with your own life?

Don't worry Mom, I'll be out there soon, in school wearing that stupid public face instead of one I might actually be comfortable with.

[LOVWYRM]

look pm , Shian.

[Raeshlavik]

*hmms*

Most likely rhetorical and just a rant to get it 'off your chest' as they say, but it got me thinking.

I think it is merely a generational thing, as I had the same issues with my mother for years - the difference being I'm 40 and had this same discussion you had back in the late 80's.

I spent a lot of time playing RPGs and monkeying around on a computer as a kid (there was no internet and the computer was an OSI C1P) and got the same sorts of 'waste of time' flak from my mother at every turn. Later in life I discovered that she simply didn't understand what I was doing *did* have value - it just wasn't something she could see.

With her generation it was all about doing something that would allow me to wear a suit to work and increase my standing in a company that had an excellent retirement package. So rather than playing these 'games', I should have been learning a trade and preparing for college. Fortunately for me the RPGs and ancient computers led to programming and game publishers, which led to an internship, which led to a programmer position, which led to a published title, which led to where I am today.

Today I have achieved something she understands - the house, two cars, financial independence, etc. (She'd be really happy with grandkids, but I wouldn't...), and all because I fought with her constantly when I was younger to do what I loved, rather than what she thought I should do.

And that, in my opinion, is the moral of the story; if you're doing something you truly love and can keep from making it a 'job', things tend to work out in the end out of simple enthusiasm.

She probably just cant see the value in that - yet.

Just the perspective of an old time waster...

[velveeta]

don't worry too much, shian - its a mother thing. 100% she can't help it.....it happens to every woman who pops out some rugrats (my grrlfriend in new mexico posted an almost identical blog just before xmas..).
my mom does it, my grrlfriend does it to her kids......
one of the reasons i am so happy i never gave birth......

yeah - i will do everything i can to make sure i never have to live with my 'rents again - love them forever and would die for them, but i am happiest with my mom and dad, for that matter, being telephone close and no closer.......

[Uhlakk]

Hehehe, good point velveeta!

But hey, I am married and my wife is the same kind as your mother Shian.

She has no interesst in games, neither normal games nor the computergames. I wonder that she play with the kids some times....
She means I could sit next to her to watch TV (btw... she always fall in sleep after 30 minutes watching), so I said... babe.... if don't sleep... I could... but why should I sit before a stupid TV show or movie?

In Istaria I can do something, chat with people far away and increase my english skill.

But she can't understand that.

So, what the heck... I play.. she watch TV till sleeping.

Cheer up! All will be fine! (some day) ;-)

[Steelclaw]

Unfortunately, from what you've said, it seems that your mother doesn't see any value or point in the time that you spend online. Fortunately, that's not as big of a problem as it may seem, since it's your time, not hers.

I wonder, though, who are you trying to satisfy, yourself or your mother? That question may sound like I'm adding conflict, however, it's an important one to answer. At some point, your interests will conflict with your mother's, and you'll be torn between doing what you feel is right and going against her wishes.

Part of growing up is realizing that you don't need your parents' approval for every decision in your life, and of course, knowing when to make that stand. If you can show that you understand their concerns, are capable of dealing with them, and most importantly, continue to tend to the responsibilities they have given you, then there's not much to argue about.

When the time comes, be careful with your approach. You want "I understand what you're worried about, but I have decided to do something different, and that's not necessarily bad..." not "You don't matter anymore.".

All that said, I think you need to find out why she objects to you spending time online. It's clear that she has some sort of expectation of what you should be doing, and that needs to be disclosed before you can truly say that you understand her.

... or you can say "Well, I could be out having [baby-making activity] with every guy I can find so that I can live off of child support and welfare..." (you'd probably get your butt kicked if you say that though)

[RuneDragoon]

I'm always at odds with my mom, and had the same sort of situation with my stepmom... so I feel your pain, shian. You ever need to chat it out for support, give me a yell.

[lightning claw]

this song and dance have been repeated many times with many family. Parents don't understand that's how generation x has fun we play MMORPGs and they don't understand the mechanics of this type of game they don't understand it takes freak-en time to accomplish anything or don't care


thats why i play when i am alone or there passed out in bed not to wake up in the am . this way i can get some work done in the game

[Shian]

Okay... So I think I just got my own happy ending. Packed everything up, put it all in the car and we got in. She turns to me and apoligises for what she said.

*blink* Oh. Well, thanks.

She told me she didn't want to 'be the dad in that movie'

It took me a minute to understand what she meant, but it did hit me. She was watching Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs while I was packing! Huzzah for entertainment speaking a common language.

[LaughingOtter]

Congratulations, Shian. I'm glad that you were able to get some communication with her.

My suggestion - for what it's worth at this point - would be to find a quiet moment and tell her that you'd like to talk. Not about specific actions, or who did what, but about how these exchanges make you feel. My guess (and I admit I might be way off here) is that what bothers you most is not so much that she has no regard for the things you value, but that she has no regard for how much she hurts you when she does so.

She doesn't have to share your values and interests, but she needs to have enough respect and consideration for you as a person to allow you to HAVE those interests. If she doesn't, your relationship will simply get more and more toxic until eventually it will probably wither and die.

I'm watching this happen with a parent & child I know right now, BTW. Neither party is willing to change, and it has already been several years without so much as a "Happy birthday" between the two of them.

I hope that you and your mother can agree that this is not a fate that either of you wishes to see come about.

Best wishes to both of you.

[Spirit]

All I'll say is that as long as you take breaks appropriate to the time you spend on the pc (10-15 mins per hour gives your eyes, back and brain a break), and you keep active when away from the desk, then what you do on the pc is up to you.

From your post it sounds like you are doing this already, but perhaps try to look at it from your mum's point of view just incase what you *think* you're doing is actually the rose-tinted version of something worse. There could be, and it sounds like there are, other factors involved that either you or your mum (or both) are not considering.

Rakku

[Phillip]

Marry a gamer.

[Shian]

Marry a gamer.

Working on that

So far co-habilitating with one has been very good all things considered. I've been living with him for seven months so far and we're both wondering when the honeymoon phase will be over.

Except... I'm not sure it really will be. We don't pretend to be polite to each other, we just are. We can be ourselves around each other that sometimes consists of randomness that seems like it would be out of 'Invader Zim' just to get a reaction from the other.

We're both 'compromising types', so work very well together except for the usual 'we both need to make a resolution to do the dishes more often' School/work comes first though and since we've both been bachelors for a while it gets hard to find new habits in a time where there just needs to be more hours in a day to get everything done.

Alternatively, problem would be solved if we just moved somewhere with a dishwasher.

[Spirit]

Alternatively, problem would be solved if we just moved somewhere with a dishwasher.

I wouldn't recommend it. They suck and they go wrong. Not much to go wrong with a sink and sponge.

My folks dishwasher just did its annual Christmas breakdown, albeit it was something relatively simple so we were able to fix it ourselves. They still can't cope with some things unless you put it on straight away after using and then putting the dish in... i.e. dried on egg. Unless they install gnomes inside them to do the scrubbing, they'll never be as good as a scrubber.

Good luck with your gamer relationship! I'm still looking for a fellow gamer/glider pilot. They don't seem to exist in the Uk. :|

Rakku

[Dragonboy]

Actually I found a second life addicted woman to marry... Quite different from Istaria, but I will survive I guess.

We have been using a dishwasher for over 3 years now and it definitly depends on the soapy stuff you put in the washer in order to clean the stuff.
The cheap stuff doesnt always seems to clean as good as it should, while some glass bowls and stuff which has been in the oven tends to be a little more annoying to clean and often needs a second run or a manual scrub, but 99% of the stuff we wash in it comes out perfectly clean.

[Steelclaw]

Working on that

So far co-habilitating with one has been very good all things considered. I've been living with him for seven months so far and we're both wondering when the honeymoon phase will be over.

Except... I'm not sure it really will be. We don't pretend to be polite to each other, we just are. We can be ourselves around each other that sometimes consists of randomness that seems like it would be out of 'Invader Zim' just to get a reaction from the other.

We're both 'compromising types', so work very well together except for the usual 'we both need to make a resolution to do the dishes more often' School/work comes first though and since we've both been bachelors for a while it gets hard to find new habits in a time where there just needs to be more hours in a day to get everything done.

Alternatively, problem would be solved if we just moved somewhere with a dishwasher.

That's awesome that you two get along. I'd say "good luck", but it sounds like you're already set and don't need it.

As for the dishwasher, I know the feeling. I almost bought a small one and built a cabinet for it while I was living in an on-campus apartment with three other guys... but I moved out once the year ended. The place I live in now has one, and I've found it to be more than adequate. Fill both cups with detergent, use a quarter-sized squirt of regular dish soap on top, and *hot* water with the boost heater if available.

Heh, or play a couple of rounds of some competitive game after dinner. Loser gets to do the dishes.