Diary of a Snow Shoveller
DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELLER
December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I
took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the
huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma
Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every
inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've
ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy
again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon
the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in
the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My
neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have
so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow
again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man; I'm
glad he's our neighbour.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to
-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This
is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried
everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this
much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I
wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ****** on the ice in the driveway
putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour,
which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to
stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her. God, I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the ******** stuff
last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The ******** snowplow came by
twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white ******** fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt
till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to
shovel, and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed
and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who
has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says
he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted
me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she,
nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she
did, but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
********** who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shovelling andthen he comes down
the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where
I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me tosing Christmas carols
with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the
******** snowplow.
December 25
Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the ******** slop tonight -
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate
the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation,
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch
"It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into
the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER
idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after
14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace
all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20 .. Still snowed in. The WOMAN is driving me
crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave
in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think
I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing
me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also
for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ******. The wife
went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving
me. The nurse is nice, she gives me pudding! Why am I tied to the bed?
100 DCRA 
80 LSH 
Originally Posted by Nalrach
