Helpdesk Rules

[velveeta]

These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked,
but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service
provider near you...



1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen d**n it, you can't do what I tell you to do
constantly jabbering b**ls**t over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even
ask me a question if you are going to f**king answer it?

2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the f**king line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.

3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you
honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???

4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi,
how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to p**s us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.

5. DO NOT get p**sed when we tell you that your system is royally f**ked. We didn't f**k it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.

6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' s**t shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!

7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the g**d**ned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.

8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.

9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the
content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.

10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.

11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.

12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue
screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the f**king toaster to Mexico, you can be d**n certain it isn't us who caused it.

13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really p**ses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.

14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that
you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This p**ses us off
more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.

15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admit you're completely lost and leave the techno b**ls**t to us.

16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small
thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.

17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something
different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is
f**ked, it's f**ked. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and
tell you the same thing, it's f**ked. That is of course unless you really
p**s him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the
functionality of a house plant.

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this
would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For g*d sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.

[Teto Frum]

LOL thats funny, but seriously Vel tell the truth, what do you really think about your callers.

[Favoran]

[Tcei]

9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the
content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.

Oh gods... during the brief time I worked tech support for Verizon I got an old guy once, this is the first thing he said to me after I did my opening speil...

I'm 97 years old, I've got the same type writer that I've been using since 1923. Yesterday I went out and bought a computer and your internet service, now what do I do?

Surpisingly it went very smoothly until the blue screen of death.

[AmonGwareth]

NOTE: This is not meant to be offensive to anyone who is technically oriented. I myself am a techie and have had to work to learn how to offer good customer service.

In my experience with tech support (4 years as a cs manager for an isp) I quickly found out that it was always better to hire people who had good customer service skills rather than good technical skills. Why?

You can teach technical skills, you can't teach someone how to be nice to customers and how to truly understand customers.

These points, while amusing, are exactly what is wrong with much of the IT industry and call centers in general. They hire anyone, instead of hiring people who truly have skills at handling people.

In addition, a lot of the blame (no offense intended to anyone here who is a CS Manager or Supervisor) lies with management in these places. You have to lead by example at all times and you have to learn how to teach and coach your reps. Good customer service starts at the top.

[LaughingOtter]

13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really p**ses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact.

Sometimes, though, customers can get me on thier side by doing this; one of my favorite calls was from a fellow who's first words, delivered in a thick Texas drawl, were, "Hi! I'm a complete dumb****!"

What could I do but smile and say, "And how may I help you, sir?"

[Teto Frum]

Heres one for the arcives...i agree with LO and Amon. Im one of those guys that knows nothing about computers, and must say ive always received better support once the tech knows hes dealing with an idiot.

Buts while were bashing callers to tech centres, lets be honest theres just as many idiots on the tech side of the phone as the caller side from my experience.

[Salama]

Yeah, have to agree too... though I understand the fustration that can come with the customers, some people simply do not understand a thing about computers. And that's what Helpesk is for, right? to help people. Some people may never have used computers before, someone might have just moved to the country and not have English as their native language, but.. they all deserve to be helped no matter what.

And about the number 4.. some people just want to be friendly and polite when they call, I don't think they'll actually want to annoy you. At least I wouldn't see this annoying at all.

But then again, it's everyone's personal view, and even people at Helpdesk can have their bad days. Sometimes it's just good to let that fustration out. (and better to do that on a forum than shouting at the customers on phone )

[Tcei]

Hehe I never really had issues with people who didnt know anything about computers, tho I may laugh and joke about the 97year old, I generally enjoyed those calls where the person was freindly and willing to listen to my instructions. The people I really really really hated were the ones who wouldnt listen and do as I asked. Alot of people dont realize that many tech support centers have a reguired list the techie has to go thru with the customer (are there lights blinking on your modem? Which ones? have you tried powering down...where are the filters...ect).

Some of the worst offenders where the people who knew computers better than I know the back of my hand. One in particular was some guy who called and immediatly listed at least a dozen different degrees he had in the computer/computer science field then demanded I send someone out there to fix it (for free) as he just knew it was a problem on our end. Unfortunately if Im not able to go thru my list of things that have to be checked before I can ask to have someone sent out (for free), other wise its off to billing and cost $180 if I recall right. When I told him this he proceded to cuss me out for about 10 mins before finaly agreeing to do as I asked, I'd wanted to dump him on billing by this point but my supervisor wouldnt let me (never said I was a good tech support person), The problem? He had put a dsl filter on the wrong phone line.

Then too on the opposite side of that spectrum was the lady who had 3 computers and 14 routers. Keep in mind you dont really need that many unless you have some ungodly amount of computers in your home, and even then there are better options. She fought me every step of the way and refused to disconnect the routers. In the end I had to send it up to one of the higher tiers of tech support. The person that got it told me later that she never did get her problem solved because she refued to do as asked.To this day I still dont know how she ever managed to get all her computers connected the first time.

In the end it was an interesting and kinda fun experience but its not a job I'd go back to unless I was just really desprate for money. Between being cussed out at the begining of 8 out of every 10 calls, and working 10 hours shifts 5 a week only getting 1 call during that entire time(I was so ****ing bored). It really wasnt worth the pay increase I got when I left the retailer (who then ended up hiring me back at what I was earning at the call center)

[Frith-Rae]

Eh, I'll start feeling sorry for CS getting calls from people not speaking english when the CS people *I* call start all speaking english...

[Zexoin]

Last time I called tech support for a DSL problem the CS was from China or somewhere in Asia and she spoke with such a bad accent I couldn't understand a single word she said... >.>

[katt31m]

I would normally find this hilarious. Sadly I just got done arguing with the tech support from my ISP and then waitinig all day for my scheduled appointment and have no one show. As is normally the case with my ISP it isnt the fault of the tech support more of a case of the right hand not knowing what the left is doing. So I try to keep this in mind.

Muslyx

[Amarie Ancalimon]

This isn't necessarily a Tech support help desk, but it's a customer service department either way.

I have never heard of such awful CS experiences as with the Sallie Mae corporation (not to make anyone who works with them feel bad).

But what could be worse than being a college student who's facing down a terrifying interest rate percentage (which is hard to choke down from any loan company) and not being able to understand a word that's being said to you?

I've heard of many people who have just given up and hung up because nothing was getting across, either way

[velveeta]

NOTE: This is not meant to be offensive to anyone who is technically oriented. I myself am a techie and have had to work to learn how to offer good customer service.

In my experience with tech support (4 years as a cs manager for an isp) I quickly found out that it was always better to hire people who had good customer service skills rather than good technical skills. Why?

You can teach technical skills, you can't teach someone how to be nice to customers and how to truly understand customers.

These points, while amusing, are exactly what is wrong with much of the IT industry and call centers in general. They hire anyone, instead of hiring people who truly have skills at handling people.

In addition, a lot of the blame (no offense intended to anyone here who is a CS Manager or Supervisor) lies with management in these places. You have to lead by example at all times and you have to learn how to teach and coach your reps. Good customer service starts at the top.

speaking as a techie who is not a peeps person (shocking, i know!! ), i have to totally agree with you, amon.
i would be much better served in the deskside support arena than answering the calls of peeps who expect me to be sympathic.....

i totally understand that it is MY faults that prevent me from doing a good job and that it is I who is making things worse. i needed no prior experience (and had none) for this job and got a 2 week 'orientation' which focused on the technical side of things much more than the customer service side.

[velveeta]

Sometimes, though, customers can get me on thier side by doing this; one of my favorite calls was from a fellow who's first words, delivered in a thick Texas drawl, were, "Hi! I'm a complete dumb****!"

What could I do but smile and say, "And how may I help you, sir?"

yeap i hear ya, lo - i much prefer the peeps who call and say 'i know nothing' than the peeps who call in saying they know how to fix what's wrong and do that instead of what they need to do.
i always wonder why they just don't try their fix before calling me......

[AmonGwareth]

Most of them did, Vel. They tried reconnecting. And they rebooted their computer. In my experience, that is usually the extent of what most people who claim to "know what they are doing" have done.

You can tell the real techies who call because the first question stumps you.

Last year I had trouble with my cable internet. As a tech person who builds his own computers, troubleshoots them, and has worked for an ISP supporting both dial-up and DSL, I am pretty familiar with computers and the internet and stuff.

So, after I have exhausted my steps (including swapping cable modems, going without my router, and so forth) I call my company's tech support. I spend the next 2 hours on the phone redoing all of the tasks because the level 1 tech I got hold of had to follow the script he was presented. Eventually they escalate me to the level 2 tech who starts further up on the list, but makes me repeat some of the steps again.

Finally, they tell me it must be my computer. After a service call, which fails to fix anything, and a call from me complaining, a credit from them for a speed upgrade (5MB to 10MB) it miraculously starts working one night.

In this case, they provided me with people who were good at talking, but they obviously provided them with 0 or almost no technical instruction.

[LaughingOtter]

I did manage to get around that script once with our previous ISP. When the tech answered, I told him something on the order of, "My day job is being a network administrator, and I have X years of desktop and network support. Please don't take this personally, but, do you have a comparable level of technical experience, or are you generally following a pre-written script? I'm asking because if you are using a script, I'd like you to transfer me either to a technician who doesn't need one, or to a supervisor. OK?"

That got me to a 2nd-level tech who was able to fix the issue in about ten minutes.

[velveeta]

yeah that works, lo - once you get past the standard opening ceremony.
you might be surprised at how many peeps do not want to give needed information like names and identifying info but will happily tell you the passwords to all their most intimate files and apps or their ssn.......

this never never EVER ceases to amaze, amuse, and confuse me.....

[jerk-o]

Have you guys ever seen this video? www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LLTsSnGWMI

[velveeta]

heeheehee that is so totally what i go thru every single working day, at least once........