Is it really all just a farce? What's the difference?

[Shian]

So, I had a bit of an argument with my mother. One I've been trying to get up the courage to do for a while.

I'm home for the holidays for a couple weeks.
I'm busy typing up something and running my hatchie through his ROP. Mom says she wants to pick up something she got on Craig's list and wants to know if I want to come with.
I tell her I don't. (It only took 30 mins to get this group formed up... you couldn't have asked not 20 minutes earlier?) It's 7:30 PM... no thanks.

She makes an offhanded comment when she leaves, something to the tune of, "Of course not, you've been on that computer all day, why quit now?"

I think about it. Yeah, I was on for a few hours in the morning, she left, I got off to play with the dogs, eat something, go bother the horses and shower. When she came back, I was on it again typing. Of course, because I'm in the same spot I was when she left, I had been on it all day despite it being broken hours here and there. That doesn't matter. It's what she thinks happened that's important.

We even went out to eat and do errands together just this morning.

I wait for her to come back to confront her. I told her I was offended at the comment she made. She had no idea what comment I was talking about. Mind you, she's always been throwing these types of jabs at me.

As a kid, I'd get up at 4:30 am so I could get on the internet... just so I wouldn't have to listen to it. She knew I was doing it of course, so always with the offhanded comments and jabs with her.

I asked her what the difference was between me writing something on the internet where thousands of people read it and writing a book where thousands of people read it is.

She came back with the argument of, "A book you make money off of."

Really? Hmm so it's about material wealth?

Okay, what about the time I was a player representitive, something I was kinda proud of, (I didn't get very far because I was interrupted with her poo pooing what I enjoy doing with my free time. Thanks Mom...)

Because I'm 'not out doing something'

Okay, I proceed to regale her with tales of sitting on a tiger in Singapore, Going to a Broadway show in Sydney, getting lost in Venice and nearly missing the boat out (yes, it's possible!) The time I got lost in Okinawa (at this point, she again pointed out that I was 'playing on the internet' while in Japan...) Yeah, sorry mom we can't all go out on $5k trips every day... you DO have to stay at home some time.

So, no matter what I do, she's fixated on the time I spend online, not what I've done in my life or the friends I've kept from school, work etc.

Great! I've been to more countries than I can count. Can wow my BFs friends with any number of tales I've done in my life. (Did I mention I just got accepted to an Ivy Leauge school? That's pretty neat!)

I ask her what she would have me do instead? She had no answer.

A snide comment ran through my head that maybe I should be like every other Joe and memorize the names of everyone that's ever been on Lost or can recite every House episode by number or whatever else is on TV these days. At least in an online game, I can talk to other people instead of sitting behind a mind-numbing TV. I really should have said it.

I go out to the park three times a week when I jog. I just don't find the outdoors as fascinating as my mom does. (She loves to go out and look at trees all the time or scenery)

I'm the type of person that if I've done it once, I'm content with that.

My sister, Sarah wanted to go shopping again today. We went the other day and I know it's just so she can spend time with me. I just don't know what else we can do at this time of year. I went, of course. This awkward time of "I want to send time with you, I just don't know how else to connect' We're just of vastly different interests.

I happen to -enjoy- participating in an online community in my free time and mom can't stand it because she doesn't think it's 'meaningful'.

So what's 'meaningful'? The amount of money you make? The number of friends you have? The number of rooms in your house? The number of people who admire you for being something wonderful?

Surely it can't just be how content you are with your own life?

Don't worry Mom, I'll be out there soon, in school wearing that stupid public face instead of one I might actually be comfortable with.

[LOVWYRM]

look pm , Shian.

[Raeshlavik]

*hmms*

Most likely rhetorical and just a rant to get it 'off your chest' as they say, but it got me thinking.

I think it is merely a generational thing, as I had the same issues with my mother for years - the difference being I'm 40 and had this same discussion you had back in the late 80's.

I spent a lot of time playing RPGs and monkeying around on a computer as a kid (there was no internet and the computer was an OSI C1P) and got the same sorts of 'waste of time' flak from my mother at every turn. Later in life I discovered that she simply didn't understand what I was doing *did* have value - it just wasn't something she could see.

With her generation it was all about doing something that would allow me to wear a suit to work and increase my standing in a company that had an excellent retirement package. So rather than playing these 'games', I should have been learning a trade and preparing for college. Fortunately for me the RPGs and ancient computers led to programming and game publishers, which led to an internship, which led to a programmer position, which led to a published title, which led to where I am today.

Today I have achieved something she understands - the house, two cars, financial independence, etc. (She'd be really happy with grandkids, but I wouldn't...), and all because I fought with her constantly when I was younger to do what I loved, rather than what she thought I should do.

And that, in my opinion, is the moral of the story; if you're doing something you truly love and can keep from making it a 'job', things tend to work out in the end out of simple enthusiasm.

She probably just cant see the value in that - yet.

Just the perspective of an old time waster...

[velveeta]

don't worry too much, shian - its a mother thing. 100% she can't help it.....it happens to every woman who pops out some rugrats (my grrlfriend in new mexico posted an almost identical blog just before xmas..).
my mom does it, my grrlfriend does it to her kids......
one of the reasons i am so happy i never gave birth......

yeah - i will do everything i can to make sure i never have to live with my 'rents again - love them forever and would die for them, but i am happiest with my mom and dad, for that matter, being telephone close and no closer.......

[Uhlakk]

Hehehe, good point velveeta!

But hey, I am married and my wife is the same kind as your mother Shian.

She has no interesst in games, neither normal games nor the computergames. I wonder that she play with the kids some times....
She means I could sit next to her to watch TV (btw... she always fall in sleep after 30 minutes watching), so I said... babe.... if don't sleep... I could... but why should I sit before a stupid TV show or movie?

In Istaria I can do something, chat with people far away and increase my english skill.

But she can't understand that.

So, what the heck... I play.. she watch TV till sleeping.

Cheer up! All will be fine! (some day) ;-)

[RuneDragoon]

I'm always at odds with my mom, and had the same sort of situation with my stepmom... so I feel your pain, shian. You ever need to chat it out for support, give me a yell.

[Steelclaw]

Unfortunately, from what you've said, it seems that your mother doesn't see any value or point in the time that you spend online. Fortunately, that's not as big of a problem as it may seem, since it's your time, not hers.

I wonder, though, who are you trying to satisfy, yourself or your mother? That question may sound like I'm adding conflict, however, it's an important one to answer. At some point, your interests will conflict with your mother's, and you'll be torn between doing what you feel is right and going against her wishes.

Part of growing up is realizing that you don't need your parents' approval for every decision in your life, and of course, knowing when to make that stand. If you can show that you understand their concerns, are capable of dealing with them, and most importantly, continue to tend to the responsibilities they have given you, then there's not much to argue about.

When the time comes, be careful with your approach. You want "I understand what you're worried about, but I have decided to do something different, and that's not necessarily bad..." not "You don't matter anymore.".

All that said, I think you need to find out why she objects to you spending time online. It's clear that she has some sort of expectation of what you should be doing, and that needs to be disclosed before you can truly say that you understand her.

... or you can say "Well, I could be out having [baby-making activity] with every guy I can find so that I can live off of child support and welfare..." (you'd probably get your butt kicked if you say that though)