Journal of Many

[Sereamha]

*the strokes of this entry are a bit more fanciful*

Made a quill out of a feather from that....feathery dragon. Makes me feel like a scholar.

Dimmae seems to not wish to work on her memory. It is her choice I suppose. I AM sewing her a new outfit, if that helps anything.
Daemonar is happy and yet not. I know she is in turmoil about this Cynny stuff, and I intend to solve it. It could be dangerous, but I have to try. I will ask her first, obviously, hopefully she isn't utterly dead set against my idea. I do wonder at times if I am just fooling myself about certain things concerning her. Telling myself things are not real......when they truely are.

Zarla is healing up well, still in her khutit form. She carries a pretty neat spear with her. Her father's spear, she says. She seems to love it. If I had anything of my father's I would ram it through his stinking skull. That is, if I could even lift the thing before five arrows were in my head. Not likely.

Shinkuu says she will try and aid Zarla in speaking with the spirits of her dead parents. I am not so sure it is a good idea, but....I hope it works.

This new....idea....Shinkuu has concerning my soul. It sounds like it just MAY work....if once.

[Sereamha]

*Another entry that seems stable, if only a little*

I have a way out now. At least.....a way for me to be...hopefully safe if I die again. We have not tested it, so we have no way of knowing if it will work....and if it would work more than once. I trust Shinkuu though, so it all should be fine.

I gave the item that could potentially save me to Zarla. It must be in the hands of a dragon. I am not sure how to explain to her properly....I am not strong with words like Shinkuu is. I told Za to ask kitty about it. She will, hopefully.

Shinkuu.....asked me to essentially destroy her if I see her do certain things. I will not write all she said, for who knows who could get this journal. I.....am not sure how to feel about it. Of course, I am not sure how to feel about many things. I promised her I would though, so I should continue this monkey training I am doing.

Nyoko has gotten under my skin. She seems to greatly dislike me due to my willingness to help people. She....actually poked fun at what I did in the past. I of course don't remember it personally, but I have been told that I sacrificed pieces of my soul to aid another. She DARE make light of that? She DARE say that was wrong? That comment she made really.....really fired my emotions again for a few brief moments. A large side of me is beginning to group her with the evil blighted ones....for she may as well be one. She would allow so many horrid things to happen, all in the name of "It's not her place"?

Ehh....I suppose I should not get so angry. Anger is easier to feel though, compared to other things.

[Sereamha]

*Lots of ink splotches, indicating lots of pauses*


New things....new things.

Daemonar and I spoke again. I have been having a lot of trouble trying to figure out just what she thought of me. What was I to her? Of course, I am not entirely sure what she is to me.

She said I was her best friend. I suppose that makes sense, but before she said she would be willing to follow me to hell. That made me wonder about just WHAT sort of care she held for me. I....asked her if she knew the difference between say.....the love she had for Cynny and the love she had for previous mates.

She...then very relunctantly admitted she....loved me in a...well, in the same way she loved DemonWing.

This...surprised me, and yet it did not. When in her company, I believe I understand what help Shinkuu gets when she is with Shadina. I feel more like myself...when around her and less like the Voided Wraith that I am so close to becoming.

I am not sure what this information will change, really. She is still very much a large dragon and I am an....well...an elf. I have no idea.....but it is a new revelation anyway. I should speak with Zarla or Shinkuu about it.

[Sereamha]

*this entry is controlled, and a bit fanciful again*


Good and bad things. Always good and bad.

On the GOOD side of things is where I will begin. I spoke to Shinkuu about the Daemonar thing. She seems to think I should just go for it. I...just may, but still...it is odd. Most ..erm...'mates' of dragons are draconic, or at least animal-like. Sorta like a saris or a sslik or something along those lines. They can show affection in similar ways. Nuzzling and what not. As an elf......not sure what to do.

Bad things now.

Dragons these days seem to care less and less about their children. Shaol abandoned her baby AND mate to be reborn as a hatchling...and then run off with an underage female mate. She then berates me saying since she felt like it, it was the right thing to do??? Now Essera wants to do the same thing....or close to. Just forget about her sleeping children, literally, and becoming a hatchling again.

She whines and complains that since she wants to do it, it should be alright. Oh poor her. She has some bad memories. Boo hoo. Forgive me for not being sympathic, but I have lives upon lives of bad memories and even -I- manage to get by. She needs to realize it was HER CHOICE to have those hatchlings and she needs to be ready if they wake again. She needs to grow up, not grow down.

I said things similar to that....and she proceed to smack me. I think I broke some ribs.....

[Sereamha]

*this entry is surprisingly shakey*

I told her. Amazingly enough, it was much harder than I thought. I suppose I am still very much petrified of leaving myself so vulnerable. I did it though. It seems she...accepted what I said. She then hesitantly echoed my words.

Perhaps the same concerns are running through her head. I understand. Not much really has to change....but the atmosphere is just more pleasant when I am with her now. We both know and accept the other.

It did get a bit ...eh...awkward in the valley though. I was sitting with Dae and there were a few other dragons when Shinkuu joined us. She...doesn't tend to mince words. She just flat out asked if Dae and I were mates yet.
I have no idea on how to answer that question. People looked at me like I had grown another head. A "MATE" means one you MATE with yes? So that would mean, no, we aren't. But then, we care for each other.....would 'courting' be a better term? Of course, who knows if dragons know what that biped term means.

Oh yes, on another note, the staff seems to work for now. I shouldn't push it, but I have less to fear from death, should it come.

[Sereamha]

*The writing has become eerily steady*

I am wretched.

I am a fool.

This has become blatantly apparent to me this day. I spoke to Ias, knowing her to be Daemonar's mother. I thought it prudent to inform her that I was courting her daughter. She....grew furious.

The silver dragoness spoke many things to me. She made real my fears....the thoughts that plagued me. I can never truly be with her daughter, she spoke. I have absolutely nothing I can offer her, she stated. I will ruin her....destroy her, like I do everything else. I am a betrayer, seizing upon...and...preying upon a friend's loved one while the friend struggles with his memory. A friend who calls me his brother, despite him being a dragon. Each of her words cut into my being better than any dagger could ever hope for.

DemonWing was there as well, wanting to know what we were talking about. I....told him. Both he and Rahxea were listening. What I said must have jogged his memory. The pain I saw on Demon's face.....it will haunt me. I feel like I am falling again, from a dizzying height with no bottom in sight.

I am trapped. I can not simply say I am sorry for something and continue doing it...hoping for forgiveness EVENTUALLY. Nor can I simply tell Daemonar that the courting is over. I....finally felt like I was recapturing myself again while with her. The void felt...less like a void. This is what I feared would happen. I would lose her and in the end, lose myself for good. What am I to do?

Perhaps I am a specter that exists to simply take what people love, so they learn to appreciate what they had. Ias told me I ruined another family...with Jarroc and Dimmae. I then had influence in Daemonar breaking away somewhat from her sister Cynny. Now this.

I must go train. Pound my claws through my enemies and into their very soul. That might help clear my....no wait, things rarely do.

[Sereamha]

*the writing remains the same. Cold, precise, if ever changing in style*

DemonWing hates me. I attempted to speak with him, so that we may have peace perhaps, but he barely had words for me.

The dragon who cared for me as a brother now can hardly stand to look at me. What do I do? Trapped is all that I am right now.

I am doing my best in controlling myself, and have not let the void consume so much of me that I spaz on someone again. Disciple training is teaching me how to....concentrate the void within....and have it be a tangible weapon. A true extension of myself...like another set of limbs. Natural...and yet not. Perhaps soon I shall be able to thurst my arm right through someone with nothing holding me back. I am learning to perhaps solidify my hand and ....grab their innards. I am hoping to anyway.

Armor means nothing. Defense means nothing. Use the spirit to manipulate the physical.........that works wonderfully.

[Sereamha]

*the penmenship is incredibly shakey*

The ghost from the rift returned. Vaeryn? Perhaps that was or is its name, I can not be entirely sure.

It seems most of the populace can not see it floating around...but I can see it clear as day.....it must be my close ties to Nihil. As such I suppose I have a responsibility to stop it when it decides it wants to prey on things.

It was....killing the black hatchling Verinax or something....I was not enitrely sure. There was a saris shooting her bow like an insane woman and an ancient casting spells randomly, trying to hit their invisible opponent. I suppose it was a....uh....good thing I showed up.

Finally able to put my spirit disciple training to the test, I reached right into the ethereal and slammed the wraith in the face. Quite nice, I must say. I proceeded to pummel the creature with as many spiritual blows as I could muster, but the thing just wasn't going down.

I refrained from draining the creature, as I know what the negative energy did to my already negative hole. It seems I had no choice in the matter though. It bit my neck with its ethereal teeth, attempting to drain me....but such an act will only spur my void to engulf. The void began draining it....but recieved nothing but more utter emptiness that the creature personifies. Things began to get hazy....and black all around me. A desparate need for fulfillment racked my spirit and...that is all I can remember now. I....felt pain, and the sensation only grew stronger.

I awoke in Shinkuu's house. I am not entirely sure what happened, but.......I feel very weak. Still recovering from slight tremors, but they are slowly fading. I need to ask around I suppose to.....find out what happened.

[Sereamha]

*the quill was clearing pressed HARD into the paper, tearing it a bit*

Bad day, bad day.

My vision is messed up. No colors anywhere....no colors. All muted....save for the bright colors I see on dragons for some reason.

I find that I am really easily angered as of late. This one drake really got under my skin. Vyridiun, I think.

Zarla seems to like him......and HE is about as subtle as a ruxus in the way he flirts with her. He is probably just after one thing, judging on how quickly he proceeded to come onto her. Vile thing. I should tamper with his mind and make him think he is a grulet or something. Wait, that would not have much affect on his current intelligence.

He claimed that I was on Azu or Selarth's side simply because I did not like the idea of making a vigilante group against them. Such things will never end well.....but noooooooooo.....the elf with thousands of lives worth of experience couldn't POSSIBLY KNOW WHAT HE IS TALKING ABOUT!!

He feeds Zarla's zealotry, and that is a dangerous thing. I agree things must be done, but not in this manner. I need to find a way to get the blue beast away from her somehow. He came out of nowhere....maybe THAT is where I should put him.

Call me a brother concerned with who my sister is seeing. Call me a psycopath, I really could care less.

[Sereamha]

*Frazzled would be the correct word for this entry*

A mess. A mess. Everything is a mess. I need to move out to Balit's Island and become a werewolf with gnarly spirit powers and maybe I would get some peace.

Daemonar showed up wearing a bracelet made of hatchling scales. OOOH GREAT. The vigilante group would loooove to see dragons wearing those. She refused to tell me who gave it to her, and insists on wearing it despite my pleading with her not to. I pleaded. The stress of my care for her is overwhelming me. I would welcome McVoidy consuming me whole at times.

I have left the guildlands now as well. Zarla spoke of making Vyridiun a bigomist with her and her sister. I can't take this. Where are things my friends get into going? The drake seemed to be fiiiiiiiiiiiiine with the idea. OF COURSE HE IS, the vile snake would love to have two women. The anger is reaching a boiling point within me now. This is too much like what my parents attempted to force on me in Feladan.

Zarla and Tsume deserve two different mates that can dedicate themselves fully to them. No matter what they may say, it is IMPOSSIBLE for him to give 100% to two of them. Are dragons truely just beasts that have multiple mates? Seems they think so.

If I somehow managed to destroy the drake it would solve the immediate problem....if not the underlaying one. Still, with how screwed up things are, I sure would be happy with one less immediate problem.

So....goodbye, guildlands. It was nice being able to borrow Shinkuu's house to sleep in, or a tent nearby, but it looks like I am back to where I was before I met the Scions. Living life on the road isn't so bad...so long as I trick inn keepers into giving me their best rooms.

[Sereamha]

*More steady and calm now, this entry is easier to read*

Unpredictable at times.

So many things are happening so fast....and yet my mind seems to register them in slow motion.

I spoke with Daemonar....with Zarla there to help. I...vented many things that were weighing my heart down. I wanted to cry in my pain and anger but I held it back. I fear if I ever cry again, it will be my final true emotion...and I will feel nothing for the rest of my life. Best to hold it in and feel something...rather than nothing.

The end of the talk was far from conclusive, though it did spur my mind into making a decision. I need to free Daemonar from those horrid family members who are always trying to speak in her mind and drag her down from where she is.

So....when I met her again I took her to the Grove. She seemed to have little idea of what was going on, but hesitantly agreed to have the help done. In her khutit form, I began my work with her mind. Seems there were 5 different links in there. Crazy. Before I could sever them though, she did it herself, claiming it to be done. I .....did not entirely trust her....so I went ahead and booby trapped her mind. Like a nice shield....that ends energy back to anyone trying to tap through it. If they do....I would imagine the worst would simply go braindead. That is assuming the other person had the mental capacity of a ruxus. I would imagine a normal fellow would merely feel like their brain was being crushed beneath a sledgehammer.

She is free of them and is able to truely think for herself now. The peace that fell upon us in the quiet grove afterwards is not something I ever want to forget. It is so rare she allows herself to be in bipedal form.

There was a sadness to her....however. I...spoke of my love for her, but she spoke nothing of such things for me. Hopefully...that means little.

---------------------------------------

Later, I found a notice that some dragons have captured Cynny and a council was being held. Oh boy....I do wonder how this is going to go.

[Sereamha]

*very quick strokes. Light. As if it was written incredibly fast*


Things have been interesting, O Journal to whom I write so many much.

Odd things have happened.

I...went to remove my things from the guildlands, since I was moving out you know, and ran into Zarla, Tsume, and Talika there. You can guess that our conversation started to get heated and a little awkward. No, wait, you can't, you're a book.

Anyway, we argued some more about this whole Vyridiun taking them both as mates thing. This would make it like the third or fourth argument we have had. Tsume seems to dislike me......but that is just my opinion. Talika made suggestions and seemed to beg me not to move out. Zarla then....seemed to change a little bit. She began to question her ...I don't know....attraction to dragons. She had spotted Dae and I together, and spoke of how sweet we were.

Tsume suggested they look for sslik and Talika spouted something about turning dragons into sslik. It was really quite a uncoordinated conversation.....it sounded like the voices in my head. It can be fun trying to figure which one -I- am actually thinking. In the end though, something surprised me. Zarla broke down into tears at the thought of me leaving the guildlands. She wept and ...spoke of not wanting to ruin things with telling me something. Honestly, I.....could...maybe guess what she refrained from telling me. I decided in the end to stay on the guildlands.

I spent the next day with Daemonar. We visited Cynny, and I informed the prisoner of what has been considered or spoke of so far. She didn't seem fazed...whatever that means. Afterwards, Dae and I exited Dralk through a back tunnel in the community cave. I seemed to fall through a wall and ended up sliding halfway down an icy mountain. Dae sure got a kick out of that. Good news with her, though. Today Daemonar actually called me 'sebenne'. I believe that is the dragon word for 'love'. Good, good!

Later in that evening, I met up with Zarla and Vyridiun. Zarla was...gathering presents or shiny rocks? Was odd for her.....she was still wearing those bracelets on her horns though, looks really sharp. Troubled, however, would be the right word for her at the moment. She...barely seemed to be there, acting giddy almost. A forced giddiness. She gave me a lick on the cheek so darn fast it looked like she didn't want anyone to notice. She has licked my cheek before, but not like that. Also growing angry or disgruntled when I mention Daemonar. She never did that either.


By Drulkar's monocle, I hope things will be ok in the end.

[Sereamha]

*the writing is cold and heavy*

The beginning of the End.

I found it. Destroyed. Cast aside like it was filth. My gift to her while she was in her sorrow. Something to perhaps look at fondly and remember me when I was not there. Made into nothing. I actually wept when I held it. For the final time, I wept.

The bracelet I had given Zarla. I found it melted and burned into scrap metal. The aura around it was unmistakable. She had done it herself. Herself. My soul sister, I would term her. My one reliable and unchanging thing in life. She said she would always be there for me and that she cared for me.

She lied.

They all lie. She said before she would never leave. She lied. All dragons are liars. Filthy beasts that raise your spirits only to have them crushed beneath their cruel claws and wicked smiles. They are vulgar wretches. Nothing more than wild animals to be used for meat and their hides.

Daemonar will likely abandon me too. It makes me wonder if I should simply consume her soul so she can't abandon me, and she will be with me forever somehow. There is an idea. Makes sense.

Perhaps I should consume all dragonkind so they are forced to not abandon me. Forced to stick around. Forced to suffer the crushing emptiness within my being. That would show them all.

There is no such thing as lasting happiness in this life, so I must find an artificial way of making it. Cram Dae into a phylactery maybe and carry it around. That works too.

I must be proactive on this. Anyone who gets in my way will just be my next meal. That makes sense too. Meals on the go. Hatchlings will be the easiest. Perhaps I will make a game out of it. See how many I can destroy in a day. Yes, that would work.

[Sereamha]

*this page is ripped in places and some ink seems to have barely touched the page*

Why must I be smacked in the face by my foolishness?

I attended the meeting about Cynny today. I was amazed I managed to control myself around the cattle that attended. So very tempted to Area Syphon and ....other things.

I spoke in defense of Daemonar, claiming she had changed. I ....copied Cynny's memories in order to find the truth. Perhaps people don't exactly realise the sacrifice that is. In anycase, I found she was being truthful and in the end we all agreed to purge her blight and Ryzaak's. They must be kept apart until cleansed so......Cynny returned to her prison for now.

After that, I returned to the clearing to refocus my mind and set a plan out for good ambush spots. Plus, perhaps, figure out the best way to properly skin dragons so I could make leather. Zarla was there though. Zarla.

She informed me of something that happened back in the Dralk cave. Seems Daemonar broke Cynny free from prison. Daemonar. After all I did...after...what I said....after everything. She lied to me for that last time. I can not take it. I can't. It is done and over.

Zarla....wanted to speak to me....about something else. To be honest it was very hard to even look at her, but I listened. She spoke of her deep love for me...and that the bracelet I had given her was tormenting her for she thought I did not feel the same way. She then was writhing in pain seemingly wanting to die. I...didn't know what to do. Oh Zarla. I....tried to explain to her that what I felt for her went beyond 'mate'. I do love her, but I would never....never jeopardize that by becoming her 'mate'. If past experiences have taught me anything, it is that doing such a thing has a 90% chance of ripping people apart. I would never risk it. Never risk it.She wished for me to fully know her mind....so...I made eye contact. It was hard...reliving her life. Very hard to be seemingly...in love with myself. She seemed to think I didn't understand her love for me....but...really, I do. Once that was over, we spoke more.

She seemed to be looking a bit better, perhaps....understanding what I was saying. I want to be her best companion....but....never her mate. I care too much to let that happen. Zarla...I hope....understands this. She seemed much better than she was.

Only time will tell.

[Sereamha]

*Steadily written, but with a few splotches*

Well, more changes. Bad at first, then eventually.....good.

Bad first.

I met with Zarla again, and was very pleased to see her. She is like a flame in the pitch black room of my exsistence....but...when I saw her again, her flame was entirely gone. Just a flicker of a smoldering wick.

She was like a machine. No emotion what so ever. She said she was killing emotions inside of her, and I can safely assume it is because of me. So close to being extinguished. I had to get out of there.....had I have stayed longer, I feared what I would have seen, and what it would have done.

Despair began to take me, and the void was hungry as well. Not a good combo. At least the pain was dulled by the void encasing me further.

I am not sure when....but....I spoke with Shinkuu. She seemed to think Zarla thinks I am perfect. BOOOY what a bad judge of character. Anyway, she assured me Zarla was not lost yet.

Later...now sure...how later...time has little meaning when the void is so strong, I spoke with Zarla again and pleaded for her to return to how she was. Back to my Zarla, and not this weird...distorted creature. I told her more and perhaps more accurately how I feel and what I desired.

Amazingly....amazingly, it seemed to get through to her. She acutally placed me in her lap and nuzzled me. I actually felt peace. The wick burst into flame again. I...think she may be returning to me. My Zarla and not that....other....thing.


I must get to work in making this new dimension thing. Well, researching it, anway. These memories I have may actually be of some use.

[Sereamha]

*written very sloppily, as if perhaps with the off hand*

Again. My foolishness knows no bounds.

Here I thought that Zarla was improving.

Found her in an agrument with her sister, some elder named Nyya, and Talika. Seems Zarla wanted to join the Aegis because they were winning. Oh joy. Oh great. Tsume tried to slap some sense into her sister, but it didn't work. Frustated, she left and trusted us to some how fix Zarla.

My mind was clouded to say the least. I knew Zarla was hurting deeply to even be saying such a thing. However, my void...after I heard her plan, it was thundering that I should just consume her now and save her that horrible fate. She even said to me that -I- should join them....and that I would be a General for sure. Memories from the many lives I have lived as Aegis started to surface. Memories from my time with Daemonar did as well. I...was....very close to ending Zarla....despite what that would do to me.

Shinkuu showed up though....and...managed to talk some sense into her. I was at Zarla's side, patting her leg as she listened, trying to be comforting. When she gets mad though....flames burn around her and begin to harm her flesh...as well as my poor hand. I didn't care though, not at all. Ironically.........it was the same hand that was torn off by Cynny and Daemonar. Hmmm. I hope that doesn't mean anything.

With Zarla back to her senses, she apologized and embraced Talika. That was good to see....though..........Zarla said that I torment her. It...made me then offer to remove all memories of myself from her memory, but she didn't want that. I just want her happy, I honestly do not care what it d....well...I DO care.

I have found that I will not be able to follow them into this new dimension. It lays far too close to the void and it would likely change me beyond repair. Zarla just told me to get my soul fixed and then I can go. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeah. I will go to the store and do that now. Anyway, this means...that when she leaves, all my memories of her will be gone as well. My comfort during the times I was getting used to this condition and dealing with Dimmae....my solace during the utter loneliness I felt....the one making me not lonely....my constant friend during the fiascos with Daemonar. All of that will be gone. Any comfort I had during those times will be gone. The flame in the dark room will be like it was never there....darkness will have always ruled that room. Always.

This....scares me. It will change me...and I do not think in any positive way. I will have records of Zarla on paper, and that will likely drive me mad as well. Well...MORE mad. I am frightened of myself. I suppose I have reached yet a new level of cowardice.

I will help Zarla though.....if this dimension project brings her happiness in the end....I will give everything I have into it.

[Sereamha]

*a steady hand at last*

For once in my entire life, my fears did not come to pass.

Zarla had.....a revelation of sorts. I am not entirely sure of the details, but she is not leaving. She is staying. When I heard this, the rush of relief I felt at that time was......was something I could not put into words. I embraced her....well....her NECK anyway, and felt the void shrink perhaps the littlist bit.

She wants to make a group called the Children of Drulkar and wants me to help spread the word, due to my....apparent easiness around dragons I suppose. I am not sure I would term it THAT way, but I agreed. Anything to keep Zarla's flame going. Unsure, really, what an elf advertising the group called 'Children of Drulkar' can do, but we will see.

I am not sure what the next thing is that I should worry about. Always seem to find SOMETHING to ruin or worry about.

[Sereamha]

*written quickly and with a few splotches*


More good news.

I was selected to do a .....brain scan of Azu's workers and see if what she claims is the truth is INDEED the truth. When I went to the lair with the sslik Akrion, they had tea and muffins set out for me. Was comical, really, to see Selarth sitting there, biting his tongue and trying not to kill me ....with TEA and MUFFINS there. Hilarious. Hilarious.

Anyway, I proceeded to do my scanning for mind magics and amazingly found none. The workers are acting completely with their own will. Hard to believe, but it is true. I then scanned a few pieces of their memories. Impossible for me to see all the memories without the eye contact thing, but I saw enough.
They are actually really and truely happy where they are.

So....this means Zarla won't be after Azu unfortunately. Oh well. Speaking of Zarla, she seems to be doing well. I suppose she is mates with that Vyridiun creature....judging how she acts around him....and.....based on the memories I saw. It bothers me to no end to even think of them together in that way, but I can not ever raise a complaint I suppose.....since I am too terrified to loose her. I must just sit and watch and stew. Perhaps just leave if they are together....or...or something.

[Sereamha]

*today the writing is thick as if everything is written very slowly*

Peaceful times at long last.

Peaceful times and the voices in my head urge me to break the peace.

Zarla seems very happy with how things are, so I will not voice a thing. That is probably unhealthy, but what things do I do that ARE healthy?

Shinkuu found me in the clearing and killed the little squirrel I was puppeteering with my mind abilities. Man...did that hurt. There was like an explosion in my mind and I was blind for a few long moments. Once I came to, Shin wanted to know how I was doing and such. We had some normal banter for a while until I asked if Shin knew what Vyridiun and Zarla were to each other. She said Zarla was exploring herself with him or something. Hah. Way to sugar coat it kitty, I wasn't born yesterday unfortunately.

I....can not voice opposition to it though. I had my 'chance' so to speak....and I will never ever take it even if it comes up again. This is a real...nasty pit I am in. I suppose I can not expect her to never take a mate and just remain my soul friend forever. I can not expect it, but I can certainly wish for it.

Shin says I just need to find the flame that makes he alight and makes me feel happy and alive again. Thanks Shin. Thanks. That's my problem. I HAVE found it. I suppose I feel possesive of it when....I.....have....no real right to be.

Perhaps I should do what I used to, and mask what I feel most of the times. Shin said that isn't good ....but...really, if I don't, I will ruin everything.

[Sereamha]

*much of the ink of this entry is smeared, as if it had been wet*

I ruined it.

Why am I surprised?

Wretched being that I am, I ruined Zarla's peace and happiness. I should have stayed quiet and found some way to vent my growing pain and anger in a way that she wouldn't notice. But I didn't. I didn't.

She...found me looking a bit down while I was at the lake. Akrion was there and the Vyridiun creature as well. I did my best to hide the real reason for my hurt, and did a pretty good job of it. I led them to believe I was a little...put off at how many bipeds could transform into dragons. I thought it would end nicely there, but genius Akrion suggested that I simply wanted to fly...so Zarla offered to take me. Great.

It...was so nice and peaceful up there. We talked a lot...mostly keeping it to how I really don't fit in anywhere. She says I am an elf....but I say if I am, just barely so. She then...said ....up here I could share with her whatever I wished. We were alone. I was a fool and....said what was truely bothering me.

She grew warmer, I knew she was getting angry. She.......spoke of how much I was hurting her. I believe she wanted to drop me and just let me fall. Would have been fine....really. Oh how I loathe myself for saying anything at all...for shattering her blissful peace. We landed in Chiconis and she put me down...then...asked me a question. She wanted to know if I simply wanted her to ..leave me...and...forget about me entirely, or if I wanted her to stay. BUT if I wanted her to say, I would HAVE to take her as a mate or put up with watching others be all over her.

I couldn't answer. There was no answer I could actually cope with. So....I figured I should just wipe her memory clean of this talk we had so she could feel peaceful again and I...could...really, I have no idea. BUT, anyway, I tried to shove a drug down her throat. She was upset so her fire aura was around her....aaaand burned me and the drug before I got it to her mouth. Great. Acting fast, I put a haze over her mind to keep her still so I could take that memory for her....but...something happened.

Her fire burst out of control when I cast the haze upon her mind. Her flesh began to burn and melt right before my eyes. I...tried to leap onto her head and just take the memories as fast as possible, despite the fire slowly consuming me. I...managed to get into her mind, but then her legs gave out and she collasped, sending me tumbling to the side. I...was...burned everywhere...and when I looked up I saw her roaring in agony as the fires consumed her flesh and bones. I had done this to her. I had done this. Me. To the one I love more than anything. Perhaps...it is...simply my love that is a posion to others. A sore curse that robs them of future happiness.

I gave as much as my spirit as I could to her....through Self-Sacrificium, and she stood and ran to the shrine...then recalled. I was left laying in Chiconis, barely able to move and with burns over every part of my body....simply because I...was trying to make her happy again.

A few dragons healed me enough that my skin was somewhat back to normal, and my hair. They wished to ask me questions as to....to why I....assaulted ...they said ASSAULTED that dragon. I could barely speak...so I just recalled.

My hands were the most injured...so I couldn't lean on my staff to help me walk. Like the fool I am, I went back to the Lake to check on things. I...I was really worried.

Zarla was there...and looking healed thank goodness. She....looked...so hurt and confused. She...She....was HUGGING that vile Vyridiun. Shinkuu was there and so was Akrion. Accusations came flying at me. I had attacked Zarla...why did I do that? Why did I lie to her? What was I thinking? What am I going to do? What is my answer to the question that she asked me? It was...all......so....overwhelming. Shinkuu...mentioned she...did not want to be my Hunter, but allueded that she may end up being so.

I answered the best I could.....but...it did not seem to satisfy them in the end. I can not tolerate seeing her with a creature that so easily takes both her and Tsume. I can barely tolerate seeing her with anyone, but ESPECIALLY not that pig.

I had to take my leave ....nothing had been...solved, and ...and...Zarla left me with that same question or ultimatum. I...can't choose. I do not know what do to. Lost and utterly hopeless...I can not see a speck of light at the end of this tunnel.