Journal of Many

[Sereamha]

*perfectly penned letters make it almost seem as if a machine wrote this*

Stillness within the storm.

I lay in the leaves of the forest close to the lake, unmoving. How could it have ended up like this? I just needed some time to relax myself and to calm. It seems Nihil wanted to aid me in this endeavor.

As I layed there, I could feel its fingers wrapping around me and could her it whisper in a language devoid of words. I didn't bother fighting back. Why should I, really? Certainly was painful, yes, but with the physical pain I could feel my emotional pain dieing. Being consumed by the dark master.

I can see why Shinkuu calls it a master. It is always there for me and utterly unchanging. I know what is and what it wants and such things never change. No guessing, no pain of longing or wanting is held within its dark embrace.

It has changed me further, as I let it consume what it wished. I have stopped the useless action known as breathing, and now my robes simply rob the air of the oxygen that I may need or want. Nihil allows me emenate my voice, and thus no air is needed to be pushed by my vocal cords. I wonder what else I can change if Nihil takes more.

My emotions are so dulled, but unfortunately are not totally gone yet. My intense and utter hatred for the creature known as Vyridiun has been crushed down to a dislike. My undying love for Zarla....has proven a more powerful foe, but it will eventually be crushed I suppose......unless love simply can not be defeated.

I am going to seek out ways to stay here even when destroyed. I spoke with Akrion and he may be able to help me. People say Gifted are Life's Undead. The Aegis are Blight's Undead. I am not Gifted, and yet may become undead. What does that make me?

[Sereamha]

*again, this entry is eerily neat*

Hello, piece of paper.

More happenings. More happenings.

There are many, so I will just comment briefly on a few.

The creature named Callihan stopped by the lake and I took a meal from him. Was alright, I suppose. He didn't look too happy ....but hey, gotta fill up somehow....and he said he was a generous dragon.

Much later, Shinkuu came to speak with me concerning what had been going on. She seemed concerned at least. It felt good when she gave me a hug. People may not realize it......but I am a very needy person when it comes to physical closeness. One of my bad traits I suppose.....

Anyway, Shinkuu seemed to think it was not hopeless between Zarla and I....at least as far as friends go. Nice, I suppose....though I do not know if we could ever be as close as we once were. Not sure if the Vyridiun creature would allow that....or...if.....even Zarla would.

The next day I met with the Vyridiun in the large clearing. I forgot how we began speaking with each other, but I mentioned to him that he showed no compassion towards my situation and that saddened me. He then stated that compassion must be earned. What a nice fellow.

I will continue this entry later, but for now I need to......uh....eat...I guess.

[Sereamha]

continuing on....

Ahhh yes, judging from the past entry I was writing about that Vyridiun thing and how I was speaking to it. I pleaded that perhaps it be more....aware of me and try to respect my feelings. It didn't believe it had to.

Then Zarla flew in. Great. Now I knew the creature would lie to her. I just shut up and went to make some tea. As I thought, the creature made things out to be much more than they were, which in turn made Zarla dislike me more.....I still chose to say nothing though. What would the point be?I just had my tea. It brings back memories....even though they are bittersweet. Much like the tea, I suppose. To my amazement, Zarla actually came over and wanted some. Unfortunately, others came as well, but at least she came along.

We all spoke for a long while and Zarla continued to tell me that I had my chance and that is that. Thank you, Zarla, I didn't know that. It was a painful talk. Those two like to crush my heart into fine pellets. Oh well....in the end....we made some sort of a peace. I will keep my mouth shut and watch painfully and they will have a happy future together. Happy. At least Zarla will be......that's what matters.

She told me we were never meant to be together and that I have yet to find someone who could truely allow me to be me. I disagree, but she thinks so. She says she ...thinks a female fiend will come into my life? What the heck? I have not once met with a fiend who wasn't one of my trainers in some way. I do not know what Zarla is thinking....but....here's hoping that something happens that allows me to be truely happy again.

[Sereamha]

*calm and steady, again, eeriely so*

and thus I succeed in terrifying a hatchling, SAVING a hatchling, and having my male organs squashed.

Odd festival days indeed. Seemed like a perfect time for me to really wander around and be myself. I don't even have to dress up. Ha. Lazy, yes, but still very very effective.

I did a wonderful job at totally scaring a group of hatchlings listening to the old Burnbones story. All I had to do was cast my Burning Hands spell to summon firey claws that struck the rocks around them....at the perfect spot. I scared Iseia a bit too much though....and she darted off.

I suppose I am too much of a softie, so I followed her after a few moments. I felt bad.......

I showed up at the right time, it seems. The little hatchling was cornered by some stupid dragon thinking it was all powerful because it had some blight. Oh boy did the wrong person show up for them then. It was really quite funny how quickly I ripped the spirit and blight right out of the worthless thing's body.

The Vyridiun creature seems very pleased with me and thankful, though honestly I don't feel I deserve it. Zarla feels thankful too....and she actually hugged me. It was like a drug....the warmth and happiness that washed over me when she did that. I sure wish it would happen more often.

Oh right, and earlier, this white saris named Sorie took an interest in throwing rocks at me while I was floating in the lake. Not sure why, really. She nailed my crotch really...well. That was a pain almost akin to when my hand was bit off I think. Honestly. She thought it funny. Figures.

Seems she is an old friend of Daemonar's. Great. That can only mean trouble.

[Sereamha]

*this entry has been hastily scripted*


Things have been tough as well as unsettling.

I suppose I should start with saying the new training my Spirit Disciple instructor has chosen to put me through has been really....really easy. She seems to be utterly thrilled with my progress and thus has informed me that Niatha must be blessing me. Niatha Moraven the goddess of the fiends. Niatha Moraven the Vengeful, the Powerful, the Shrouded. She sounds oddly familiar. Gee, I wonder why?

Her teachings seem to appeal to me....or to Nihil...it is getting harder to tell these days. Vengence MUST be taken if one is ever to truely move forward. If one moves forward, they can acquire power AND peace of mind. Peace. You know, I have been wondering lately.....is Niatha the female fiend that Zarla foresaw? Is Niatha the one who shall truely bring me peace? Shall she take my hand and guide me? .....I wonder...you know, it has been a little unsettling how this has been falling into place.

After a long while of studying, I fell asleep...it takes a lot out of me. When I awoke....I...had an odd necklace around me. Black...black as my robes, and it seems to throb at times. Other than that....it has no amazing properties or anything beneficial about it. I can't seem to take it off though....that creeps me out a bit. I wonder if it is a new accessory that Nihil decided to give me, like it gave me my robes. ....or...perhaps someone else gave it to me? I....I really don't know.

I told Shinkuu about how hard it was not to kill the Vyridiun creature earlier when I sooooooooooooooo could have. She told me he wasn't a 'creature'. Yes he is. Anyone or...anything that I need to expel vengence upon is a creature. Vyridiun, my father, my mothers, Cynny and her allies, Yulgrin....the list grows longer and longer. Vyridiun is first though. Punishment must be served to him. Vengence must be taken for me to find some peace. I have an idea for what I shall do to him.

In other news, I am getting better and better at hiding what I am really feeling or thinking. This allows me to associate more peaceably with others at least. That is a good thing. Yes? Yes?

Also, I picked up a lyre......learning again. Learning again. Helps me focus on something else rather than the crushing emotions who have become my companions.

[Sereamha]

*this entry has some large squiggles on it...almost as if the writer had a few seizures while recording it*

New things and a darn heavy book.

My instructor in t....heck, I will just call it my fiend instructor, gave me a huge, ancient, smelly tome. There are huge locks on it....many of them. I said to her I could likely get someone to open the things rather easily, considering I know Awdz, but she very quickly and sternly told me that I was not to open it in that way. She said it would open when I am ready.

When I am ready? Just when is that? What would the harm be of me opening it now?....other than that I really can't. I showed Shinkuu the book, and SHE is very interested in it....but said that she can feel faint energies flowing between my new noos...oh, NECKLACE and the book. Great. Maybe I jam the crystal into one of the locks? Somehow that doesn't seem exactly right.

In other, less, ODD news, I met another saris. This one seems to be nice....though she sure was cautious of me when she first met me. She says I remind her of an aegis. Nice....I have that affect on people. Anyway, turns out she is a friend of Shinkuu's so that calmed her when she learned I was as well....and she seems to have a bow named after me. Way to embarrass me, Shink.

The saris' name is Tsavii. She has some teal eyes and is black like Shinkuu and Shadina, but a little less built than they are. Her face is not so 'wild cat' like either, seems less fierce. Of course, I should know better than anyone that looks can be decieving. She does seem friendly now, and is willing to try and be a friend at least. Saris and dragons get along with me the best. I wonder why?

After talking with her, helping her with some memory problems, and generally getting to know her better, I told her that as a prospective student of Niatha Moraven, I would be more than help her in her quest for vengence against certain Aegis that destroyed her home. She seemed thrilled, but really....it is something I SHOULD do. I hope it goes well....Aegis...they always tend to surprise us somehow.

I have been working very, very hard at making a blighted metal bracer that could be placed within Iseia....perhaps on a tailbone. I am having to trace my memories back to some of the times I remember being in the Aegis. My dreams are becoming a bit disturbing again....and when I see people, I have visions of ripping them to pieces with my claws and drinking their bodily fluids. Fun. Fun. I just want this bracer to be done so I can move myself away from those memories.

[Sereamha]

*the pages are torn and punctured at many places*

Another wretched day.

I do wonder why I try...perhaps it is a vain attempt to be able to be around Zarla without so much pain anymore.

I met with Vyridiun and it was a perfect time for me to get my vengence AND allow for him to understand me more....thus perhaps making him more thoughtful of me. I told him that I wished to do something that would allow him to understand, he just said he had been told to stay away from me because Zarla fears for his safety. She fears for his safety. I WOULD NEVER kill that wretch Vyridiun if I thought it would bring pain to Zarla. She...honestly....thinks I would.

Anyway, he said that thing...and began to leave, sooo....I stopped him with a spellbind and went to work. It is simple yet VERY taxing work....I just use my mind...um...'tools' at the end of my fingers and coax his brain into feeling certain emotions. I made him feel EXACTLY how I feel everyday when he is all snuggly with Zarla or even if I am by myself. The effects only last a few hours so I got away from his head as soon as I could and watched as he experienced the crushing emotions.

It seemed to work, the process anyway. He felt hopeless and utterly depressed. I made sure to tell him that this is how I feel.....I wanted him to understand. I really, really did. His daughter was scared....but then, she is afraid of her shadow. I tried my best to explain things to her, she just kept saying I was bad. Really? Are my actions in saving her life so quickly forgotten?

Once Vyridiun's mind returned to normal, he just grew angry with me, saying that I attacked him. I did no such thing.....I did not harm him at all...not one scale off of his bloated and sickening hide did I touch. I told him that this was so perhaps he would understand....but he would hear nothing of it. He said he did not WANT to understand me. That....hurt.....a lot.

Zarla showed up a second later and Vyridiun was all over her with nuzzles and a lick. I just stood there, shocked. I could not believe it. Vyridiun now KNEW how I felt and what I feel when I see such things....but he just chose to ignore it and inflict me AGAIN.

My vengence had failed....and my olive branch had been burned to flames by a creature more wretched than Zarla can realize. Why can't she see what I see?

Ontop of that, they scrapped my blighted bracer project....after all I went through. They won't entertain the idea at all. Zarla just said that Shinkuu or Akrion could make something for Iseia since they are good spirit users. She did not even mention me. Not one bit. The sslik thought my idea decent....at least....but if Zarla doesn't approve it doesn't mean anything.

I feel so lost and worthless. I can not even take vengence correctly. By what readings I have on Niatha, it seems to be because I am being too kind. Too soft hearted. I need a closure on this revenge thing....I need it to work or I fear I will go more crazy than I already am. I wish so much that I could talk to someone who understands what I feel....OH WAIT there WAS ONE WHO SHOULD....but NOOOOOOOO....HE JUST WANTS TO RUB MY FACE AGAINST THE SPIKED WALL OF MISERY.

[Sereamha]

*MUCH more steady than before*

Finally some relaxation.

I finally managed to throw the tea party I had been planning to thank Shadina.

It really was a peaceful night....it helped me forget, if only for a while, my troubles and pain. Watching three saris totally trashed with catnip tea is pretty funny.

I hope they enjoyed my music, I tried to keep it as ...saris-like as possible. Iseia there....that was unexpected, but oh well. My little squirrely friends did their jobs well and I let them go earlier this evening. If someone asks me now, I can say, Why yes, I can play two instruments at the same time....just go fetch me some rodents. Not sure who would really ASK me that though.

I did sort of wish I could have danced with them all, but that wasn't my part to play this evening. Seems Tsavii wished to danced with me, but since she couldn't, she tried to dance with the dragon. That did not go very well.

Also, it looks like Tsavii is fitting right in, which is a good thing for her and everyone else. She really is a nice saris so far as I can tell.....and very light. She wasted herself and I had to carry her back to a room. I watched her for a few moments, just to make sure she was alright, and it made me wonder something: does watching a saris sleep calm someone just like watching a cat does? Something to wonder about.

All in all, it was a nice and peaceful night. I wish this happened more often.

[Sereamha]

*it seems to have been written lazily...and is a bit sloppy*


More news ...always more news.

I told Shinkuu and Zarla one of the greatest secrets I hold....and it terrifies me that I have done so. I did it so they could perhaps protect others and themselves from me....and I know they are my ....well...friends, but that does not shake the fear that is plaguing me.

What if Zarla gets the wrong idea about something I did...and then uses what I told her against me? I have now nullified any hope I would have in keeping my promise to Shinkuu...the one in which I promised her, on her request, that I would stop her if she totally lost it.

I am losing sleep over that, but...there is little I can do.

I held a small, personal funeral service for the spirit essences of Iseia and Talika. Zarla and....basically everyone thought me moronic for even thinking of doing so. It is the truth though. The spirits the hatchlings were born with have been destroyed and then mutated into something different. Talika far more than Iseia though. It is a sad thing, but nobody seems to think the way I do...so....I held the small funeral by myself. Just burning some herbs and playing some music. I....had wished someone was with me though.

The lonliness is crushing. Tsume seemed to poke fun at my emotions, saying we should have a funeral for my happiness. Zarla joined in. How kind of them. I suppose my situation is comical to others. That is a lovely thought. They seem to think that my problem is that I only see the negative in things. Not true.....I can see the good in things...the problem is that they all just flicker away from me so fast it is hard to even comment on them.

...........I just want freedom from this...but not even death can save me, for the void pulls my soul and will not allow me peace when I pass. It keeps me in a never ending state of confusion and misdirection......perhaps like I am now.

[Sereamha]

*witten hastily, as if excited*

Had a talk with Shinkuu.


Many things were said, but in the end, she believes that I must forgive MYSELF for everything that I could have possibly done. That way I can move forward and perhaps find someone.

It is a nice thought....and she even spoke my name when she said the she forgave me. That was a comforting feeling....I am also relieved she seems to be alright with hugging me. Even the simple act of feeling someone's hand in mine helps alleviate the sensation that the void gifts me with of being utterly alone.

I will try to begin to forgive myself....but it is a very tall order.......considering what I remember myself doing. Eating a mother's spleen infront of her children, for example.....hard stuff to brush aside, but....I am going to have to try.

In other news....other potentially GREAT news, I believe Cynny has returned to a nearby area. All the signs point to that, and this fills me with great anticipation. My necklace is throbbing, but in a good way, and my robes seem....um...happy? SOON I will track her down and take the vengence that I have been sorely wanting and needing. Judging by the situation, I will likely have to make it past Daemonar and DemonWing, but I really, really, reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally don't care. My void has always wished to consume her....it is almost painful how much it wants it. If I can't consume her....I will have to be happy with perhaps maiming her forever somehow. Ripping her eyes out or....maybe bursting her ear drums....and feasting on a large portion of spirit of course.

I met with Tsavii in the clearing and she said that she would help me in anyway she could. What a nice kitty. We had a decent talk, aside from the Cynny plot. She seemed to like to hug me too. I like hugging saris...they are like big, furry hot water bottles. Heh.

Anyway, I offered to help her with her armor, and so I needed to take her measurements. She then asked me if I thought she was hot, since Shinkuu said she was hot. Well gee, Tsavii, what a thing to ask....ME of all people. I can remember being every race and every gender out there....I find all potential things attractive, be they male, female, dragon, gnome or even aegis for pete's sake. But then I also find them all equally unattractive, due to the same problem. It took a long time for my poor mind to process it, but I managed to say that she looked pretty. Hopefully that is good enough and I can start on this armor.

SO, I must go smelt some iron and search for chainmail forms...since no one sells them. Chainmail must be made link by link too....this is going to take a long while....I hope my fingers don't fall off.

[Sereamha]

*this is again, written shakily*

So many things....not sure where to begin. Perhaps with the most recent.

Zarla had another episode. Seems it was over the drake named Drysten. I can not say I know every single detail, but the stress apparently killed her? We brought her back though....WE being me, Shinkuu and Shadina.

Once she came back though, she was in pity-party mode and nothing we said (We being Talika, Vyridiun, and Tsume) was doing ANYTHING. I like to think that we matter to her....but when nothing we do can aid her in her emotions....makes me think that deep down, we don't. I punched her in the face to try and get her to snap out of it, but in the end we did nothing. Tsume seemed to think that my calling Zarla's bluff about her requesting me to kill Tali worked, but I really have no idea. It was herself that healed herself. Oh and I didn't kill Talika....just was ready to. People really shouldn't bluff around me....I tend to call them on it quite readily.

Sad, very sad.

Later, I met with Zarla who was fuming again, but not quite as much. The Drysten drake had made her mad again. After speaking with her, I can conclude it is a mix of jealousy and concern that is spurning her anger, and I can not really blame her. Things have worked out though, apparently, so that issue is no longer an issue. She then picked me up and sat me in her lap...and cuddled me.

That was more than a bit unexpected. She was rubbing me with her face and licking me, saying she loves to cuddle and misses that we don't do it anymore. Well...I can't say I did not enjoy the attention, but it sure did confuse me. She wants us to basically be how we were before Vyridiun came. True, we were not exactly romancing each other back then, but dang it, we sure were close. I don't think we should do anything that would make her feel uncomfortable if Vyridiun were watching. Simple enough rule. I will do my best....she says friends are great to have.

Friends. Speaking of which, I think I can say that I consider Tsavii a friend now, if only at the beginning stages. I hope that doesn't mean bad things for her....I know Shinkuu says what happens to others really isn't my fault...but still. I am starting to think friendly thoughts towards Tsavii, does that mean something horrible will happen to her? ...and the people I think negative thoughts about, nothing happens to them. Hrrrrm.

What else.....well, I am becoming VERY good at close combat now, amazingly. Becoming more in tune with my void and allowing it to show itself more is allowing it become much more of a defensive mechanism. Still getting the hang of defending against spells with it....it is a dangerous thing to practice. I can manage fairly weak bolts, at the moment....and only with much concentration.

Time to go though. I have some scouting to do in lesser Aradoth.

[Sereamha]

*the ink is thick on this entry, as if the writer was very slow*


Why am I not suprised?

I found her dead. Tsavii. She was almost rotting with blight. Just laying in the grass, face-down near Nuthala or whatever that place is called.

From the looks of her, it must have happened the night before or so....roughly the same time I had said I considered her a friend. ......Shinkuu would say it was just a random happening. ..... I have to try and think about it that way, but honestly, it is very hard to do so.

I cleansed her of the blight that was creeping over her and sacrificed some of my energy to heal her wounds.....but...in the end, it did nothing. She was dead and gone. I had to do better.

I lifted her and ran to the guildlands. My mind was racing and I felt rather lost. Her body was so cold and limp; it wasn't the warm, purring one that it used to be. I needed to get someone to make her better.

Shadina. She could do it, I knew she could. So I went to her house and thankfully she and Shinkuu were there. I pleaded for help. I pleaded. They both seemed to think that it was a bit of a lost cause, but thankfully Shadina was able to call Tsavii's spirit back and restore her to life.

Tsavii was weak, but she was Tsavii again. I was so relived. If she had died just after I said she was a friend, I do not know what I would have done....well...wait, I guess she DID die. She came back though. She came back.

I stayed by her bed while she rested, at her request. I would think having me loom near someone's bed would be....disturbing, but I guess she doesn't think so.

She seems to still be getting over my....oddities. That fact is beginning to make me wonder....make me wonder indeed.

[Sereamha]

*ink is splotched everywhere*


We marched.

Tsavii, Shinkuu, Shadina, and I all marched upon the Aegis lands of Lesser Aradoth and destroyed the blighted creatures one after the other. The undead stood no chance against us; my fists tore into their being, Shinkuu's blade sliced them asunder, Shadina's spells roasted them where they stood, and Tsavii's arrows pierced their flesh. Tsavii has now acquired her vengence, and she says she now has peace.

Peace, truely? That gave me some pause, for so many say vengence never brings peace. This confused me, so at a later time, I decided to ask Tsavii about it. She said she believes she feels this way because she was seeking vengence for her entire tribe, and not just for herself. That got me to thinking as to whether or not my vengence is purely for myself or for others as well.

Against my father, my desires are not entirely selfish. The male deserves to die, not for what he did to me, but for what he did against many females and children that bear his blood.

Against Cynny, the vengence is for the lives she has ruined, not just the incident with my hand.

Against Vyridiun.......I suppose that is mostly just for me. It doesn't stop my noose from bothering me though, when the Vyridiun is around. I stay my hand though, I stay my hand.

Speaking further with Tsavii, I inquired as to what she would do next. Seems she wants to craft more than adventure, at the current time, and find a man to have a family with.

I will be honest, I have been.....well...scoping her out. I need a constant in my life and I have been wondering if sort of....maybe, she might be interested in me and if she is....if it would be a good fit. She may be a 'rebound' from Zarla.....but then, I suppose Vyridiun is a 'rebound' from me, in a way, and it seems Zarla and he are fine. Anyway, I asked Tsavii what exactly she is looking for in a male.

She said she wanted him to be honest, loyal, smart, trustworthy....and brave? I think? She also wanted one who would treat her as if she was his world (This part would not likely be a problem). Well, let me see how I measure up to the others.

Honest
Loyal
Smart
Trustworthy
Brave

I underlined the ones in which I...don't really consider myself. Two out of five. Greeaaaat.

Not only that, it seems she wants children in her future. I will never have my own children...at least, I will do my best not to. I don't even know if I can have children anymore, with how much my body has changed.

So where does this leave me? Drifting still....I suppose. Zarla showed up while Tsavii and I were talking and Tsavii nearly ran to her, dropping our conversation cold. That....did not leave me with the best feeling in the world...and then Zarla greeted me like I was some distant accquaintence. Really, what am I supposed to do?

We all spoke for a while and Tsavii and I gave Zarla a massage....then...Tsavii hugged Zarla's tail which caused the dragon to say a biped had never done that before. That really hurt, probably far more than it should have, but hey, I was already feeling not so great. I can't believe Zarla forgot how I embraced her tail with so much feeling before.

I took my leave, and Zarla asked if I wanted to massage her legs next time. I thought maybe she was a bit more sensitive than that? I just gave a non-committal answer and left the saris and the dragon to be together.

I really don't feel that good and this blizzard I am in is making it difficult to write, so I shall end this entry here. I hope next entry, better things can be written.

[Sereamha]

*again, this seems to be hastily scrawled*

Well, on Zarla's advice, I asked Tsavii out on a date.

A date.

I was honestly more than a little nervous....I actually can barely remember what happened...other than she said yes. YES.

We had the date where we had the tea party a few weeks before.

I set up a nice tea set, made some nightshade catnip tea, and very good little cakes.

The night....was...really, truely wonderful. We talked, laughed, and ate cake. We even actually danced, despite there being no music. I felt a warmth in my heart that I have not felt in a long, long time. Refreshing. After our dance, I actually worked up the courage to ask her if she....would...maybe consider me more than a friend. She, to my amazement, said yes.

So, I suppose that means we...are...'going out'? I am happy and terrified at the same time. I told her that if I do truely fall in love with her, that she would have the power to totally and utterly destroy who I was. She accepted that fact.

I suppose that is part of what love is: freely giving another person the power to hurt you terribly, and trusting they won't.

[Sereamha]

*this entry is rather neat, save for some odd spots where the paper is ripped*


......He has tracked me down.

My father, he is so close now....apparently he even stopped by Moyo Lake. If that is true, he knows I am there by now. I do not know of a better tracker or scout than he.

What does he still want with me? Does he STILL want me to somehow spread the genes I have? I should just make it impossible for me to do so. Does he want to arrest me for being a war deserter? Such a crime is rather heinous in elven society....so.....it would not surprise me.

Why is this happening now? Why?

It freightens me that he may learn that I have feelings for Tsavii.

Yes....I do admit it, I ....think I have feelings for her. When I am holding her close to me I feel a spark, you could say. This sensation is just growing more powerful everytime I see her. In fact, just the other night....I actually tried to kiss her. I was fully expecting rejection in some form, but to my utter amazement, she kissed me back and...well....far more passionately than I had thought she would. We both then voiced that we believe we are beginning to
fall in love. This.....pleases me, yet horrifies me.

If my father finds out, he would most likely capture her and use her as a bargaining chip. He may even command me to slay her, if I do not listen to his requests. I should just run. Run away like I always do, it seems it is one thing I am somewhat good at.

I am sure one would argue that I should face my father. Those people don't know him though. He is considered pretty much the best of the best when it comes to elven combat and tactics....and that is saying a lot when elves worship a god of freaking war.

Zarla and group says she will help against my father....but...we will see, I suppose. I just want some peace. Is that so hard to ask for?

[Sereamha]

*the entry is very messy...almsot written with a limp hand*

So I meet a rather thin looking half-giant. By thin, I mean that he...is well, lacking any form of meat on his bones at all.

I recognized him right away, since I had lived Shinkuu's memories. This fellow was responsible for her agony and current state. He also held the ability for her to be whole again, and die in peace.

This conflicted me greatly, since I do not want my friend in agony...nor do I want her to die. I am selfish like that.

The creature's name is Plage. It talked a big talk and then went to leave after having blighted the clearing. I did not want to try to syphon him and perhaps destroy him, since that is Shinkuu's job, but I did run and land a pretty wicked blow to the thing's spine. Unfortunately, it did not seem to do much. He flicked his hand and tore at the void in my soul. He seemed to...make it larger?

I collasped as I felt the intense pain within me as the void was attempting to devour what was left of my soul. I was doing my best to fight it, I really was....but I could feel it taking over. It was beginning to move my body. It wanted to move its....its...epicenter or something.

The hunger I felt was....something I do not want to have to relive. I was lucky Shinkuu showed up when she did and managed to stop it.

I hope that guy....I...hope....really, I do not know what I hope anymore.

[Sereamha]

*large splotches of ink marr the surface*

I actually came to a conclusion. Oddly enough, it came to me after I spoke with the Vyridiun creature.

We were speaking of many things, but one thing truely stood out to me. He told me that I was being selfish concerning my father. I am putting people I care about the most in danger because I do not want to have to deal with the literal hell I will likely have to face. I am just thinking of my own neck and not about other's.

So.....with the thought that perhaps Tsavii could be harmed and even Zarla or her little kids,...and even the GUILD could get in trouble, I have.....decided to *the ink splotches greatly here* go with my father without resisting.

It is the one thing I have been running from all these years.....it terrifies me.

Tsavii did not really argue with my conclusion at all. She seemed to accept and be rather fine with the idea. That confused me ....a lot. Shouldn't she argue that she doesn't want to lose me? How could she be alright with the idea just because it was MY idea?

[Sereamha]

*quickly jotted down*



Well, I haven't been able to write many things as of late.....sorry about that.

Numerous things have happened and I am unsure what exactly to address first. I suupose I can say that my father has stopped trying to camp out my guildlands in search of me. This disturbs me, since he knew was there and just couldn't get at me thanks to my friends. He just up and left....he isn't one to quit....so....I am always looking over my shoulder. He could be anywhere, so I can not really rest....especially since he knows abou Tsavii.

With the threat of my father looming over me, I decided to try and relax a bit in the main clearing. I met up with Essera and some odd firey hatchling who I didn't know. I had barely even said hello before they started started snarling and growling at me. What did I do? Honestly, what is wrong with them? Essera and I used to be rather close....I can not remember really what made her hate me so much. Perhaps she hates me because my prediction about her parenting skills turned out to be largely true.

All dragon parents stink, that much I can say with confidence now. I thought at least Zarla was a good parent, that was until I heard she is keeping her hatchlings from seeing any of the outside world at all. She even admitted to me that she is their warden and they are living in the prison of Moyo Lake. We got into a rather heated argument....I can not believe she could be so dim as to not see how she and Azu could very well be the same person. A few tweaks is all it would take. Heck, Zarla doesn't even want to fight the Aegis. Zarla is in denial and may perhaps always be, but.....it doesn't change the facts.

She said that she would allow her hatchlings to grow and see what happens after that....that is something at least.

I need another tea party with Shinkuu. Talking to her tends to calm me down....since our conditions are so similar.

Tsavii is resting lately, likely worn out by that odd trance thing that happened to her. She started talking all funny when she was healing someone....hopefully that is nothing to worry about. Hopefully she wakes soon......I am becoming more dependant on her, slowly. That is likely a bad thing, as we know what happened with Zarla when I got that way....but....I just have to hope for the best.

[Sereamha]

*this entry is marred with some smudges of dirt*

......so...many things to write.

I do not know if I have the focus to write anything properly now that my necklace is gone.

Oh yes, I suppose I should start with that.

Shinkuu, Awdz, and Shadina figured it was about time we destroyed the thing. I agreed, since I could only tell that it had negative effects. It would just throb and cause me pain when I thought about those who I have yet to extract vengence upon. It would spur me on, push me to take action and actually take my vengence when I was around those who I believe deserved it. It was painful....so very painful.

Awdz suggested she should smash it to pieces while Shadina and Shinkuu kept watch and healed me just in case. Well...gee...I did not have a better idea, so I agreed.

I felt unbelievable pain as Awdz continued to chip away at the red crystal of the necklace. I do not think I have the correct vocabulary to describe it in its fullness. I can only vaguely remember seeing bolts of red and purple energy flying everywhere...and then Awdz struck the final blow. Everything went white for me....I couldn't see anything. I heard a woman scream and bellow with an anger that I was not aware could be real. I felt a wave of pain, hatred, anger, and vengence crash into me....and then, I was on my back.

I...can remember Shinkuu helping me to my feet and Shadina healing me. Looks like they did destroy it. They heard the woman scream too, and Awdz and they suggested it could have been Niatha. Great.

The anger is now constant. I feel rage for the lack of vengence I have had, for the lack of power in my hands. I realize now, that perhaps the necklace controlled such things and unleashed them at more appropriate times, or at least tried to. I feel them now constantly....I am lashing out at people I care about. I am becoming more volatile again.....

Nataliea......she has been watching my anger grow. I feel bad ..and rather guilty. She doesn't need this sort of thing. I have been doing my best to help her lately, since she has been so depressed about her mate basically leaving her for the blight and Aegis so long ago. She turned to that satyr for comfort after I...well.....turned her down due to her elven heritage. Now she is stuck alone, yet again....and forced to watch me court another. I totally understand how she feels.

So, I try to do for her what I wished or hoped Zarla would have done for me. I am there for her and I try not to mention other things that would hurt her....unless gravely needed. I of course must tell Tsavii about her, but...I...can't find her. Tsavii has been gone for almost two weeks now....and....now I know why.

I recieved a ...letter, via hawk, from my father. I...am...really...almost beside myself. This is what it says:

"Greetings and Salutations,

My dear son, I thought I should send to you this letter, for I believe we have been visited by someone you may know. She is a quite comely saris by the name of Tsavii. She is currently residing in one of our tents and is greatly enjoying our wine, cheese, and bread. We all wish for you to come and visit, dear son, and would encourage you do so before the cheese...perhaps goes rancid.

Your Loving Father,
~Thalion"

..............what should I do? Huh? I should just ...just...go?

I wish.....I...wish.....I....*there is just a large ink slotch and a rip here*

[Sereamha]

*Frantically written*

They got her back. They got her back.

Thank goodness.....I was worried Tsavii would hurt but...she wasn't. I have so many things I need to talk to her about but she seems always just be fleetingly awake.

I need to talk to her about Nataliea. It is only fair she knows that the elf has been in love with me for years. It is ...hard, since I understand what Nataliea feels, but I just don't love elves in that way. I can be her close friend....but...nothing more than that. I know it hurts her when she sees Tsavii and I try to make things as least painful as possible.

There is....something even more important I need to talk to her about though. Dimmae....she...she....is back. I met her in the clearing, I could barely speak. There was the dragon I had given half my soul to save. She was back and...AMAZINGLY...she...seemed to recognize me?? I thought her memory had been whiped. I had to speak with her alone, so I took her to the grove we usually frequented...she had taken her human form.

She....she seemed so sad as I spoke with her. I could not tell if it was the desire of the void to consume her or my own desires....but the pull to her was very powerful. Then she told me why she was so...depressed. She had traded control of her soul to some blighted minions....for the ability to remember what she had forgotten about me. My heart sunk. She was a blighted dragon? After what I had sacrificed to make her NOT one?

I lost it, honestly, and grabbed her by the throat, ready to kill her like all blighted ones should be killed. But....but...she was weeping...and...she gave me a smooth crystal. She said that..that...it contained what she could save of my soul before the blighted ones took her. It was true, I could feel very faint pieces of me. She weeped and professed that she merely wanted to see me again....and....that I SHOULD kill her. My...heart, which had been smashed so many times before, was shattering into pieces again.

So....I did what I thought I SHOULD do. I embraced her as she sobbed, muttering her love for me as my robes slowly syphoned away her being. She gave in, she did not want to live as a ...blighted beast. I...could give her as peaceful a death as I could. Much to...my surprise, after a while...she..completely dissolved and was drawn into my void. Gone. I...I...felt so.......lost.

I would learn later, however, that what I asborbed was not her entirely....it was...a piece?......Later, she stepped through a portal again in her human form...but...much more worn and thin. Her usual bright red hair was a dull black. She...seemed amazed to be there. My...my...mind was going hazy at the time but...but...she said I had freed her? From the blight? I...I...think I need to lay down.