Zarla's Journal of Life

[Shinkuu]

I am almost getting a bit nervous. First Mint leaves Dae and seems to be acting very close to me, next I have great experiences with an Ancient which has never come even close to happening before, and now something positive out of Azu... I am not used to good things happening to me and it almost seems like too much is happening.

I would get really paranoid but after being touched by that Stone from Drulkar that Nyya had... I guess I am wondering if maybe this is actually all a blessing? I have never been blessed before unless Mother was right and I was once a dead Sslik Hatchling... Could Drulkar be trying to pave a path for me? Could he be showing me that my goal to unite the Dragons and make a beautiful society among us that the Bipeds need not fear and that we can take pride in is a good goal? That he supports my efforts in this?

So what is the good news about the Wretch? Well this Sslik, named Akrion, who I only really know as a... To be honest all I know about It is that It taught Shinkuu some things but based on Her recent attitudes towards Akrion I am not sure how she regards It. Anyway, that got me off track but Akrion, who I am hopeful will come to the Lake and play with the Hatchies some time, took Mintshade off to the Witch's lair to investigate Her Slaves. According to Mint, after he made a good investigation, her Bipeds are not really Slaves. I doubt she treats them with the respect of an equal by any stretch and considering most are former slaves they probably are ill equipped mentally to understand the offer of freedom...

What all that means is that what Azu holds is essentially some poor Bipeds who will forever be treated like lesser life forms but who do not know any better than to accept that. However, while I still am unsure I call that a very satisfactory situation for them I am willing to accept that as long as they are happy with it and have the option to leave I will let it be either way. After all... There are a lot of people of all species living in unideal circumstances and I cannot really make it better for all of them. The best I can do is make Dragons better so that they are one less problem for people and stop the Aegis any way I can so that they no longer threaten everyone's life.

Funny... Azu once laughed at me for wanting to stop the Aegis. She considered it a worthless goal and it was the first indication I had that she was evil. Now who is laughing at whom? She hides and cowers from society for her crimes while I build a nation of Dragons and Bipeds alike that can stand tall and proud in the Sunlight and some day march on those very Aegis and push them back into the Rot they came from to be locked away forevermore.

Some, including Azu, would think I would be very saddened to hear that my reason for invading her Lair had been taken away and that I will no longer have a right to do so. However, they would all be wrong. I still would love to slaughter Azu herself for her crimes and Selarth as well but if I had brought that place to the ground it would have cost the lives of Bipeds. They may have been foolish to stand against me but I do not care why they would have died I did not want it to happen. The other fact is that honestly I do not feel like fighting that much right now... Maybe I am getting soft for some reason... Maybe it is that having a Hatchie now is changing me. Now that Tali is my responsibility I want to be there for her not off fighting things...

I still fight the Aegis even now and I will train Talika to help but... I want her to have a Childhood. I want to give her what the slavers who owned her denied her. I want to give her what the Aegis deny so many Hatchlings these days... I also want to make a world in which more hatchies get the chance to have it too.

Call me insane, murderous, vicious, bloodthirsty, or whatever name you want. Words are worthless if they have no truth behind them. I know what is right deep down to my Gifted core. I fight for that and I will always do whatever I have to in order to ensure that in the end Justice is served. I will do whatever it takes to make the world better no matter how many times I die to achieve it, no matter how many times I must be beaten until I am nothing but a whimpering pile of flesh because my heart and soul have been crushed... I must be a glutton for punishment considering the things I have already taken... But I WILL see this world better before my final end.

[Shinkuu]

So much to say today... So much unwritten that must be documented for history... Some good and more bad but I am standing my ground and holding firm.

Me, my Sister, and Vyridiun have been fighting together for awhile now. That is to say, we have been going out and doing the requests of our trainers and otherwise hunting the Aegis together. One of these recent trips was very sad and had me and Vyrry not feeling so good. We were instructed to go to Draak and kill Pale Hatchies and Ghost Dragons... He could not help but see his little adopted daughter in the face of the poor blighted hatchies... I could not help but see me and Tsume and all the other hatchies who came to that forsaken place at the bidding of Ancients to take their Rite of Passage and never left...

Some times people ask me why I do not like Ancients and Adults and why I do not trust them... That is a big part of it right there. I KNOW they send Hatchies to their doom in places like Draak where they will become the Slaves of the Aegis. I have never had a problem with killing Aegis but I HATED every moment of that assignment... I do not like hurting hatchlings no matter if they are blighted or not. They were all... So... Helpless in a way... Lost and scared in a way and I cannot help but think even cute despite their rotted flesh. Every time they screamed in pain I felt like I had been hurt. I had to summon ever last drop of sense of duty to hurt them and my Claws hurt for days after as if feeling sympathetic pain for them.

I lead Vyridiun in a prayer to Drulkar that he take these Hatchies we freed and give them family, hope, and love... I hope deep in my heart that he heard our desperate plea and granted our wish... Please Drulkar take care of those poor innocent Hatchies!

Later me and Tsume got a nice Crystal Vyr tipped me off to that makes our Breath sometimes catch things on fire and then we all went to the Western Deadlands and helped him to get the Bone Splinters he needed to acquire his Breath Upgrades like we had a bit ago. He had HORRIBLE luck safely pulling the Bone Splinters out without breaking them. I think it is because he is a bit clumsy and uses too many Hoard Burning attacks. All that Rage and Force just makes him move too fast and put too much pressure on the bones and they break to bits. After much fighting though we finally DID it and he is now fully equipped.

Mintshade... This is where things go down hill. I have always been there for him since he fixed my mind... I have tried to be a friend in the storm of chaos... I have tried to be his strength when he had none... I have made his dreams go from horrible nightmares to peaceful rest... I have been a better and closer friend than I think he has ever had and perhaps more than he even deserves. Yet... He cannot help but stab me in the back.

It seems to me that as always Shinkuu's words ring in my ears painfully sharp... "I do not trust people easily... Most who call themselves Friends just want something and the moment they get it they leave and give you the parting gift of a Dagger in your Back for your efforts..." **** you Shinkuu... Why are you so smart and I am so stupid? How can you be so cold and logical and I have to be so trusting and emotional?

Thinking back I feel like I have been being slowly smacked around by Mint and have just taken it without so much as a whimper but I think that is going to end... I once told him that I would be alone forever because no one would be MY mate with all my problems... He assured me that this was not true and I was... Getting hopeful he may have meant that he was interested in me... He seems to admire me in some ways and he likes the way I look and... I cannot help but think that some part of him considers me at least kind of a friend... Why else did he look into my eyes when I asked?

What happened after our talk? Well nothing for me... I stayed lonely and he took Daemanor as a mate. Slap in the face but I failed to really make a solid move so I figured it was my fault. It is always my fault in my mind. She just takes him to use him and keep him from killing her Sister and herself from what I can tell. She lied through her teeth when she claimed to love him... Still, I tried to not let my desires get in the way of what I felt was possibly a happy relationship... I TRIED to help them be happy together... So while I felt Dae was bad news I supported her and Mint because I thought it made him Happy. I SUPPORTED THEM when it was KILLING ME... Thanks a lot you STUPID ELF...

So when Vyridiun shows up as if Drulkar looking down on me and saying "Poor girl... Let me try to help a little huh?"... A Drake... a Nice Drake who does not have a mate or serious Mental problems or other issues which is so rare no coin could pay for such a purchase... I talk to him and we get a bit closer and become friends and all. So, Mint has Dae and I MIGHT finally have someone of my own. How does he respond? He responds with hatred towards Vyridiun and nothing but strife towards my relationship... So I support him when I am hurting and he kicks me, while he has a Mate, when I am barely touching Happiness for a change...

Eventually I even give him a chance to be MY mate but Mint will not take that offer. Nah, I am obviously not good enough for him. I guess if you do not want to take advantage of him you are not worthy of being his Mate. I guess if you are honest and supporting and maybe have REAL FEELINGS for him then you are obviously horrible Mate material... Yet despite this he wants to have a relationship with me like we are mates despite not taking me? Not going to happen, I am not that stupid.

So I grow closer to Vyridiun as a result of losing any hope of having Mint. Why not? Vyridiun is NICE to me and loving... He goes out of his way to help me and to defend me. He would probably do anything I asked him to from what I have seen... He is almost too trusting and a bit immature in that way but I know his heart is in the right place... He accepts me for who I am instead of wanting to change me. Yet Mint still is mad at him and jealous that he is getting extremely close to being my mate while Mint is out in the cold. Well TOO BAD... You threw me away when Vyridiun did not.

So Mint is lamenting about not being able to fly... So I offer to take him on a flight with me which is rather special honestly. I fly different than any Dragon I know and the Sky is my... Happy place free from everything... So I take him on a flight as he wants to go right away but if I had seen into the future I would have denied it. He tells me once again he wants to leave the guild lands and run from me because he is "Afraid" he will "Hurt me". I was hurt when he even said it and I nearly dropped his sorry butt in Feledan and forced him to face his horrors there. If he wants to run away from the one who has never hurt him and who is always there for him then perhaps he should go to the place where he was hurt to begin with.

I am not such a Cruel woman though and instead I let him down at Chiconis when he asks to set down... Then the Jerk attacked me... He was going to erase what he just told me from my mind according to him... It goes very badly thanks my Soul's energy getting out of control. What a Jerk to attack someone who he KNOWS he can trust and who, if he DOES love me, he should be open and honest with...

That is enough for me though. I am tired of playing this game with the Elf. I have been ridiculously generous and reasonable in how many chances I have given him to take me and he pushes me away. My feelings towards him upon looking back are no longer Love of any sort... I am fighting to keep them from turning to Hatred for abusing me this way. I may end up telling Mint to go away and leave me alone in the end. I promised him I would be there for him but if he is so determined to ruin our relationship then he will Null that Promise and be gone from me forever. If that breaks his heart and he dies from it... Then so be it. I have tried so hard... I have tried harder than anyone should ever have to or ever be asked to. This is not MY fault and I do not know what his problem with Vyridiun is but all I can see is that he projects his own hatred of himself onto Vyrry when it is not even THERE in the Drake.

[Shinkuu]

Well it is done now. Akrion, Shinkuu, Tsume, Vyridiun, and I tried to bring Shade around to his senses and being my friend but that was apparently a futile effort. For all this talk to me and promises... For all the times I have been there for him in his darkest hour... For all we have shared together... Apparently he never cared about me at all. It was all for nothing and I have been wasting my time, energy, and heart for a long time now. How stupid could I be not to see the warning signs when he refused me as a mate?

It hurts to know this is the end of my relationship with him as all the memories come flooding in but there is nothing I can do. He has broken my promise for me and all I can do as my last act of friendship is leave him alone as he wishes. I can only try to remember the good times we had together and pray that he is ok in the world even if he does not care about me... *the Ink at this part runs into a washed out mess as apparently the page is soaked in salty tears*






*finally things become readable again*now official! So Shinkuu will make us Rings of sorts and me and Vyridiun will hopefully live happily together. It seems we were both lonely people looking for someone and I guess we found each other... Drulkar be praised of this. The funny thing is, that the Shade was soo worried about him being with both me and Tsume but I think Tsume does wish to find her own so instead I will have to comfort her extra much and try to help her with that nearly impossible task. THIS is exactly what I was afraid of and now I will be splitting MY love between them and Talika... I just hope that does not ruin anything.

[Shinkuu]

There is not a whole lot to write about but a question has come up worth putting my Stylus to paper.

Me and Vyridiun are mates as I wrote last time and Shinkuu made us a matching pair of rings for our Horns. Technically they are Bracelets by Biped standards but our horns are kind of large so...

The question EVERYONE, including Vyridiun, asks me though is "So when is the Bonding Ceremony" and such... What Ceremony I wonder? Who could possibly officiate such a thing? Who is the God or Goddess of Love? I do not recall such as that. Istara is of creation and we are creating a new Bond I suppose but that is as close as I can figure. Good luck finding a real Priestess of Istara. Who would I invite to such a Bonding? I really do not have many friends. I lost Mint and there are probably fewer still who would really care. This also breaks my personal traditions.

When my parents were alive they used to celebrate hatch day with us. They would celebrate the harvest and a few other traditional holidays... Since they have died me and Tsume have never officially celebrated a single thing. Hatch days come and go without notice. I do not even remember when we hatched anymore it has been so long since I cared. We never celebrate the Harvest anymore... We just keep working right through it. We celebrate our victories for about 5 minutes, maybe write a journal entry about it, and then promptly forget it. It has become a bit against our nature to care about ourselves when it comes to things like Happiness... Our achievements seem always very hollow. They seem even more so after the Rite of Passage...

So do I bother having some Ceremony? Why? What good would it do? The only people who would show up already know we are mated. I certainly do not need anyone to tell me who I am mated to even Istara cannot make it any more official than I can. Some give gifts on such an occasion but that would just make me feel guilty. I hate accepting gifts. I figure I got the big Gift already I do not need any more.

Awdz suggests that most have such things to make such mating official with the Empire which may be true but I honestly do not care about the Empire. They do little to nothing to help me and I never have any contact with any Imperial officials. If you ask me, the Empire is nothing more than a Phantom Government... It is more of an idea than a real thing at this point that serves largely to just hold the various Species together by a very thin thread. However, it is largely failing with the Dragons which I see as a crucial failure that could upset the entire balance. If you do not believe me, go to Tazoon... It is empty... It is a HUGE deserted city. I have never seen a place so large that had so few life forms of any sort in it. There once lived an Empire of Istarians ... but all that remains is the vacant corpse of a Capital to that long dead Organization...

Awdz also suggested that my friends would like to celebrate with me. Seems how I do not really celebrate that is fairly impossible but I know that she did not mean the "with me" part in such a literal sense. However, there are so few people that would count as "my friends" that a ceremony for that group would look pretty sad... I almost fear having one just because of how sad it would make me to look out and see a group so small they could fit in a canoe together. I am not sure I want to make anyone feel Obligated to show up to such a thing either. Why should I bother them over some event in my life? It is not their mating, it is not their life, it is not their problem. They would probably be happier to just acknowledge the fact that it has occurred and skip the formalities.

Time will tell if I keep up my tradition but right now I do not see a good reason to break that tradition. If it goes my way we will just be mates and there will be no to do about it. Like everything else in my life it will be an eventless event where the results and outcomes come to pass but hardly a soul noticed the work or achievement that went into those results and outcomes. As much as I want to change the world for the better I feel like Shinkuu in this way I think... I would rather that once I have done my job and I go away that I am not remembered. Just some person who fought the Aegis like thousands of others. Not even a name in some book of history, not even a passage, just one of many acknowledged together but faceless.

[Shinkuu]

Mostly there has been little going on but there is a bit to report in these pages before they get lost forever in my memories somewhere.

My little Iseia got attacked by some Dragoness called Saphiresoul I believe who was blighted and Mintshade... Like some Black Knight... Came out of nowhere and saved her from what I understand. He left that evil wretch a Ghost and if I ever find that Ghost... I will send it to the next Dimension!

So while I have no idea what to think about Mint I must thank him and conclude that he HAS to be good at heart... He always seemed to be. I gave him a BIG hug and let him sit with me. I will see what I can do to patch things up with him.

Talika not only smashed Lt. Vehk's face all by herself which I take personal pride in because he is the JERK who killed my Father, Tsume, and Me ultimately. She also completed the First Hunt in Sslanis and can proudly call herself a Huntress. It fills my heart with joy to see my little one is so strong and has progressed so much. She is proving her worth far more than the stupid Rite could ever determine. I will make an effort to train her soon and help out.

I met an odd Drake who has NO good manors and no sense of how to speak in public whatsoever... He was Pink of all the odd colors for a male really... He was missing one arm and replaced it with some odd mechanism. I cannot help but not like him... He teeters on the edge of creepy and Azu-like but... He does not fall off that edge completely... I guess the main reason I do not get more aggravated with him is maybe I fear I could PUSH him over that edge when maybe instead I can actually pull him back onto this side...

However, he proposed we test rather Iseia was gifted... By killing her and having him Revive her if she did not Recall... Yeah right. I am SO very glad I said NO WAY to that idea. Vyridiun had the same wonder about himself and offered to take the test instead. Supposedly this Drake, who's name I only heard spoken a little and cannot recall too well, is a doctor or something so felt he could handle it.

We made an attempt at it... He wanted to perform some weird slow thing on Vyridiun... Bleeding him out and such. I had to steel myself for that whole affair and with me that is literal. I invoked the Queen of Blades persona of my Soul... All Mind and Body she is emotionless to a large extent, cold, calculating, and very efficient. She was not satisfied with how inefficient the Drake's procedure to Kill Vyridiun was feeling that it was excessive and that the wait would terrify him more than getting it over with. She also did not trust that the Drake would not do something that if he failed to be able to Revive Vyridiun she would be able to fix with Healing alone. Apparently she was very wise to take that tact.

As the Queen of Blades, if you will, I severed his spinal column near the back of the head to disconnect his life functions without severing his whole head off. However, the Drake refused to Revive him because he did not like me taking over the killing process. Vyridiun is MY mate and if anyone is going to do something like that it will be ME. So the Queen wisely healed Vyridiun getting him back to life and consciousness.

After that I was allowed to shift back to my normal state and we came out to find that Issy had FAINTED because the Drake had foolishly lied and said I cut Vyridiun's head off which for a Doctor was a very medically inaccurate claim to make considering I did not ever sever his head from his body and could not have healed that completely even if I had.

So we had to console the poor girl rather seriously... That Drake had better thank Drulkar that I would rather pull him to safety than see him become a second Azu... That is the ONLY thing holding me back from ripping him a few new ones for nearly killing my Mate and suggesting the same for my Daughter Issy.

When I give my word that I will do something it is DONE. It does not matter how many times I have to die, it does not matter what hardship I must go through, it does not matter who gets in my way or how the deed is DONE. I NEVER break a promise and that Drake did blatantly. I know I cannot trust his Word as it carries no weight of conviction. I will just not ask him to do anything in the future, no sense asking an unreliable person to do something. However, that is a BIG dishonor in my book and if he ever wants to repeal the label of being a "Whiner, Quitter, and Undependable Drake" it will take a LOT of work on his part.

[Shinkuu]

Not a lot I WANT to write here right now... However, there is some good news that should be reported and some odd news.

It appears my mate Vyridiun IS Gifted. That is a relief to find out. Now we just need to make sure our Hatchie Issy is protected and everything will be fine.

I went to visit the Ancient Nyya who I am friends with. Her daughter, name I do not know, came home recently blighted as bad as I have ever seen. I offered to cure her and Nyya agreed. I cleansed her good before having my Soul burn the Blight out of her. It seems every time I perform that Rite it is always different in what it does exactly. It felt INTENSE and full of RAGE that time... Her body and spirit are pure now though but I cannot help but wonder what I may have left with her? What sort of manifestation will that utter HATRED of the Blight have within her?

Nyya helped revive me after the cleansing with that Wonderful stone she got from Drulkar. I brought her some food... I should send more with Vyrry to her later. She really ought to have the best food. However, I simply cannot visit her any longer... I do not want to ruin our friendship or dishonor us because of certain things about my Nature... I get the feeling she tried to give me that Stone of hers before I left... but she told me it was entrusted to her and that is where it should stay. Honestly, I am not worthy of possessing something like that right now.

I got Vyrry worried about me again... Great! Just what I need... Hopefully he will drop it and I can just forget all about this stupid thing. Out of Sight, Out of Mind is the way it must be. I hope I did not make Nyya too sad... I did not want to make her sad or anything... The only way I could otherwise fix the problem is one I bet Vyrry would HATE... Besides, I think it would fundamentally change me and that may be a poor choice to make. Those who love me love ME with all my Nature in tact... If I cut parts of that out whenever I find them inconvenient sooner or later I will be left with only the Queen of Blades who no one loves and who loves no one.

So... Just forget it... Just put it out of mind... Throw it into the ugly dark corner of my mind where all the things I struggle with but can do NOTHING about rest... I am sorry Nyya... I truly am... But that is just the way I am designed and the way I was raised...

[Shinkuu]

I looked through my last journal entry and it seems I had some problem with Nyya and me being together. Well it seems I found a convenient solution to that in the form of Mintshade who I had rip all memories of this Nyya person out of my mind.

Vyrry seemed upset about this and some other things... I hope it does not remain a problem for him but I do not think it will. It takes care of the problem for me rather well. I feel pretty good now and have no problems with someone named Nyya.

Vyrry has agreed to stay away from Mintshade... It is a good idea honestly. Mint REFUSES to get along with Vyrry and it would get under ANYONE'S hide to have someone always act like that towards them.

[Shinkuu]

Behold world and tremble before the birth of my daughter Talika of the Flame!

I got together with Shinkuu and Shadina and through Spirit and Druidic magics mixed with Prime we were able to concoct a powerful set of potions that combined with magically taking Talika into my Egg Chamber (As she had not been my real Blood Child before hand) we were able to reform her body inside me and bond our Souls. This process was hard on me and I got to experience what it would be like to be a gravid mother Dragoness for a time and perhaps even more but it was all worth it.

Mintshade seems to act slightly iffy about it but I do not know why. Talika has wanted to be like me forever and now she looks more like I do and we can feel each other deep down in a spiritual way. We share a deep loving bond that cannot be broken and will keep us close even when far far apart from one another. Every Mother should be so lucky as I am to have such a DEEP STRONG connection to their daughter. Our Souls literally shared some essence and feel each other now as if vibrating the same way. It is not like when he and Dimmae were connected and it will never bring us harm.

Talika is just as excited, perhaps MORE excited, then I am about all this and she was reborn with a distinctively fiery nature about her. She has all but BURNING eyes these days and seems to be full of life and spirit. My own Fiery Soul seems to have imparted my Compassionate loving side deeply into her being. Such a wonderful feeling to be so close with my little Hatchie.

Now Iseia and her Daddy Virydiun are undergoing a similar process. I cannot wait to see the end results of that and... Well I miss my mate... Right now he is out of it inside of a Runic Barrier while the transfer happens. He cannot take Iseia inside him like I did because he is a Drake not a Dragoness but I guess what Shinkuu arranged is working anyway.

I will write more about that when they get out and I get my Issy and Vyrry back!

[Shinkuu]

It seems like sometimes outside forces seek to get under my hide and mess with me but I will not let it happen anymore. Talika worries about me because of one terrible night when I was at the end of my rope but she will see that those days are behind me.

I now have my daughter and I will fight to protect her and keep her safe. I will keep my family together and happy just like Father did. I will hold Talika and Iseia close at night and me and Vyridiun will keep them safe from the world as we slowly help them to become strong.

We stand tall together and, rather Mintshade thinks that somehow Talika lost something in her change to stand like I do or not, we will blaze a path together for Love, Family, and Compassion. No obstacle will stand in my way now that I am a Mother. No pebble is too small to overlook and no words can change me. I am proud of my little ones and I will enjoy watching them grow and become Mighty Dragons who stand tall in front of Drulkar and tell him "We are your children. We are Dragons!" and he will smile upon them and nod as for once real Dragons walk the land again.

The funniest thing is there was even a Hatchie trying to pick a fight with me the other day in the Clearing... One I already knew the stance of from some time ago and who is unphased by my words. I just ignored him, not about to fight hatchies, and Talika did too! She is such a smart little girl. She learned a life lesson most NEVER learn without me hardly saying a word.

She says some call her a freak for being different in her configuration but apparently she does not let it bother her. No one seems to bother me about my looks oddly. I guess they just accept that I am odd? No one has ever really said anything about my literal stance. Words can hurt and cut you if you let them but it seems Talika has already learned to ignore such gibes and I am glad. It does not matter what they think.

We always have each other and we will make the Lake a haven and a birth place of a great society. The Aegis will NOT win nor will the decay of Morals or Compassion. Hope does NOT die on my watch! This world has a pair of shining new stars in the form of Iseia and Talika and it will forever be a brighter place because of them!

[Shinkuu]

So very much to say... This book will get all clogged with this journal. Hard to figure where to even begin.

My soul had split long ago into two very separate essences... One of Fire, Passion, and Emotion... One of Steel, Logic, and Honor... Both have fought for the right path for my life... Both have fought over my body... It is the Steel one who owns my Gift and is my strength and conviction... It is the Fire that is my heart and puts color in my world...

This conflict of who controls and how to live boiled over to the extreme and caused my demise... Talika was being seduced by the Drake known as Drysten... He was having strong influence over her and tilting her to his ways and ideals... Seeing she is at a point in her life that would facilitate his stealing of her... I wanted to put an end to that before it got too bad but my Fiery heart did not want to hurt poor Talika or make her feel I was being mean... My Steely mind however demanded firm action... I now see I should have listened to both and done what Zarla would have done... but instead I did what the Fiery one wanted...

By allowing her to continue down this path with Drysten and just trying to gently convince her to move away from him all I did was make her pain greater and cause her to have a serious emotional breakdown... Seems as she has inherited the Fiery and POWERFUL heart of her mother... She feels strongly and sometimes it can unleash a power of Soul that can destroy the body... I recognized it happening while Drysten was there making matters worse... I tried to help my little girl... but... in the end she turned to him instead... That was the snapping point...

The Steel one, the Queen of Blades as she is nicknamed, berated and lashed out at the Fiery one, the Daughter of Drulkar as she is nicknamed, and the two began to have a horrible fight... I was literally getting torn apart inside... My little girl did not need me... Maybe she did not want me... I had failed her utterly in every imaginable way... It was all my fault ... but which one of me? I regained enough control to recall my body to a safe place, locking it into the Ethereal plane... It was all I could think to do before my Soul ripped my body to shreds and so instead my Soul split and went to the Realm of Spirit...

I... the Gifted Zarla... Had died... Killed by love... So it seems. I met my mother and Father there... They confirmed a few things for me... I will write more about this later but the important revelation is that indeed I was once the Soul of a Sslik. The Queen of Blades is what remains of my Sslik soul really... The Daughter was a gift of Drulkar... She makes me a Dragon in form and heart. See... When me and Tsume died as Eggs to the evil Crawlers my Mother prayed to the Gods that her little unhatched babies might be allowed to live... She prayed and prayed HARD... She lost sleep and cried so hard that our Father had to buy sponges to soak it up... I guess when you pray with all your heart and soul some hear you... Drulkar decided that he and his mate could understand her pain and wanted to help... He remade our souls as Dragon Spirits and allowed us to reincarnate as the Eggs my Father found... Mother was right all along... He hoped in his heart that me and Tsume would grow up not believing in the Schism, that we would learn virtue, that we would use our strength with compassion, and that we would be the first dragons to truly understand the Bipeds... He thought it might be a chance for something wonderful and an answer to the most heartfelt of prayers... So he made it happen as only a God could...

Anyway... I was pulled BACK to my body by Shadina and my Family... Shinkuu and Mintshade found and pulled my body out of the Ether so that the resurrection could happen... My two halved fought over returning to this ... form... this body... We were enjoying being dead honestly... However the Queen decided that we still had a lot to do and that we had not repaid the Gods for our Gift yet... So kicking and screaming she dragged the Daughter back into my form...

I have to admit... I felt so horrible and self loathing at first that I could not even speak or bother to move... Eventually though I got over it... Mint... Managed to get the Daughter to stop the Queen from taking full control with some Tough Love... They fought again... and finally it was decided to make peace... To try to live together... To stop arguing and compromise doing what both wanted to the best of our ability... In this way I became whole and ... things are changing a bit... A little slowly as I feel numb and a bit hurt inside... but I am slowly coming back around...

Talika has promised to never deal with Drysten again. That is a big load off my mind and it is a promise I will relieve her of when she is matured and an adult. I do not intend to keep her locked up by such a promise or what have you all her life... I just need her to be safe until she is old enough to fend for herself.

I... I know Talika loves me very deeply... I just hope that she realizes that she means everything to me... I know Vyridiun might be a little sad to hear it... but Talika is more important to me than even he is... Without her... I have little reason to live these days... I do love my mate and now I think I will be treating him even better but... I so DEEPLY care for my little girl... Then again... I think maybe he would understand because he is this way with Iseia.

Mintshade came by and for once I got him to sit in my lap. I licked his cheek and nuzzled him and he pet me... It felt so good... So very good. He was caring for me again... and I was being close and friendly again... He said he feels alone and that being touched and cuddled makes him feel better inside... Well then I am just the Dragoness for him! I love to cuddle my friends. It makes my heart sing when he smiles and laughs like he did. It makes it jump in joy when he is affectionate back. I hope there is much more of that to come. I hope I can shrink his Void with my love and friendship.

He told me more about his parents... His father, it seems, was a real jerk who only cared about himself and making more Sons with Mint's unusual gifted eyes... His mother seemed to only want his Father and to be happily mated to him but... He apparently had many relationships outside of their pairing because she was barren after Mint was born and he wanted to make more special children... The ones he made were not special and he had no care at all for them... Then he wanted to all but Breed poor Mint like some sort of livestock to see if he could get more of those gifted eyes... What an absolute ... I do not even know a good word but... When Mint says he wants to kill him...Well... I just cannot argue... I'll HELP him if he wants...

I guess that is why he was so uppity about Vyridiun being with me and being close to Tsume too and all but... That is silly to be honest. It was never anything like that and Vyridiun is NOTHING like his Father. I would NEVER mate a man like HIM...

I guess I can see why Mint would be so scared of it though... I just wonder if he is so scared to take a mate and so, supposedly, hateful of Elves and Elven women because he fears he will somehow become like his father in the process or be doing his will... Poor poor Minty... I will do what I can to help him heal these old wounds.

I am going to take a vacation and let my thoughts and feelings collect... I am going to hold my family and friends very close and just relax. Talika is going to teach me to play! That sounds stupid right? ... I should know how but it has been so long since Zarla the happy little Hatchling existed that I have forgotten...

The Rite of Passage... Azu... Selarth... Drysten... One thing after another has slowly robbed me of any innocence I ever had... It has made me responsible and feel like the weight of the world rested on my shoulders... I have forgotten... How to be happy... How to relax... How to play... Instead I know how to fight... How to be prepared... How to take Responsibility and be Virtuous...

I have grieved for my innocents... I have cried for that hatchling who died at the Rite of Passage... I have buried her in effigy. That poor little girl who got strangled and crammed down into the dark place within me... She is scared and tormented... She cries herself to sleep every night because she cannot play... She cannot be happy... The world will not let her exist anymore and Responsible Zarla the Adult treats her like Ruxus Dung... I will try to coax her back out and bring her back... I will never be happy until I do... Vyrry, Tali, and Issy will have to help me... I just hope I can get the World off my back long enough to get it done...

Speaking of getting things off my back when I was dealing with Drysten earlier I ran into Akrion and...?... A Dragoness... I THINK it was his mate... I believe that is what someone said. Akrion was blathering on about something... I was there TRYING to protect my Daughter... I was in no mood to listen to whatever he wanted to say to me... It was NONE OF HIS BUSINESS... His mate was saying something or other as well and I was getting a bit annoyed at both of them for interfering... I will have to find them at some point and apologize for being a bit harsh and touchy but it was a BAD time to try to mess with me...

His mate tried to argue that Magical Mind Control was more powerful than Making someone BELIEVE something with Words... That is flat out incorrect. I snapped at her telling her that very thing and while I was harsh about it I was Correct. Magic can be instant gratification but it can be resisted, shielded, dispelled, and found out as a means of mind control... Getting someone to BELIEVE something on the other hand is insanely hard to dispel and cannot be detected by magical scans. People do everything they DO because of what they BELIEVE... To be the Master of their Beliefs with your words is to be the Master of their Reality. Very little is more powerful than creating the World for another... Therein lies the greatest danger of Wretches like Azu who may convince others to believe in her Twisted World, not by Magic, but by Words.

The greatest con artists make the Mark believe that everything they do and think is THEIR idea... They own it and unlike a spell you must put energy into maintaining with the slickest of lies you can make a permanent change with no further need to maintain.

Anyway... I think that is plenty enough for this long entry. I already covered a few pages with Ink. There is plenty more but it can wait until later.

[Shinkuu]

*The writing on this entry is a bit sloppy like the writer was dragging the stylus over the page in a fit of deep depression without the energy to lift it properly and there is some crinkling and distortion where the page was wet*

There is not much for this Dragoness to write in her journal these days... but on the other hand I have plenty of time to write in it.

The only thing of note that has really happened to me specifically is that Mint seemed to be very alarmed at my escape plans for me and my family when the world falls to the Aegis but in the end he seemed to calm down. I am not sure what his problem there was.

He claims I am like Azu which is ridiculous. She is literally in bed with the Aegis and I abhor them and the Blight. She is a cruel evil being filled with loathing, hate, and fear. I am a deeply caring being filled with love, worry, and sorrow. We are as different as night and day.

I stand guard over Moyo Lake and defend my family against the World outside. It seems the whole of that world is nothing more than a swarm of the enemy. The Aegis fill in one slot, those who wish to help them fill in another, those who are cruel and vile take one, those who are indifferent and refuse to act at all like Nyoko take one, and finally those who accept murders, traitors, and criminals of the highest order into their company and the company of their little ones with open arms take the rest... There is nothing out there for me anymore... It is a world filled with the Blighted, the Evil, the Stupid, and the Insane. Even the Bipeds who used to fight the Aegis no longer bother... Their guards stand in their post and watch as the Aegis kill whomever they wish and barely fight back even if they themselves are killed... So the end must be near... the Empire must have ordered that no one is to give resistance to the Aegis anymore...

I used to think I would make a difference... That I would save the world... Now I see it is already dead... I came to be too late to make a difference and too late to save this dead world... I do not have the strength to resurrect it... So all I can do is protect my loved ones in my own little part of this world... and then leave it when the time is right...

[Shinkuu]

My little girl Iseia... She sleeps... She has slept for a long time now... Months have gone by as she has slept... I tend to her little body... I try to make sure she is ok... She seems alive... How her body lives and functions with no eating or drinking I do not know... I fear she is dead... She is in some Coma... Her soul has left her as mine has left me before... She is just a little body... Once my adopted daughter... I... I hurt when I cuddle her little form... I fear her being departed or her soul being hurt some how... If I just knew what happened to my little girl I would feel better. Even if she was dead and I knew her Spirit was in the Spirit Realm with my family I would be ok... I hate not knowing...

Now Vyrridiun and Talika have begun to sleep a lot as well... They seem a little more alive and twitchy then Issy... but it worries me a bit... It scares me... I fear I will be alone again soon... I fear my Family will die again... Again. Why? I am always the cause but never the cause... I do not know if I can take Talika dying on me...

I talked to some sort of a Nature Elemental... I guess Nature at least does not want to let the Blight win and kill it... I guess that is good to know. I am not sure it can do much about it when the Gifted have turned against the Living and towards the Darkness and those of the Living without the Gift have given up the fight long since.

Tsume... She is the only family that seems to stay... She is all that is left of my family and all that is stable in my world. She is a part of me more than any other... I do not always turn to her because she is so close I almost cannot think of her as being someone else but slowly we have grown a bit more separate. I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

Tsume wants me to be bold and brave again... She wants me to find my passion and fight again... She wants me to rekindle the fire inside... ... I do not know if I can do that... Every time I have burned brightly I have been snuffed out. Every time I have done anything good many bad things happen to squash my victory. Every time I kill Aegis they come back... Every time I try to destroy the wicked Living something happens to prevent it or it ends up coming to nothing... Hope has died in me for the salvation of this world... I am not sure I can muster the strength to be crushed again... I am not sure I see a point in it...

Life... for me it seems it could be eternal... but is it worth living? Some say such is a Gift that all would wish for themselves... I find it often a curse that no one should want... I tasted sweet release of Death... It was wonderful and warm... There is no Blight there, no war, no pain...

Do I struggle on?... What is there for me? Do I try to rekindle my flame? What is there for it to burn?

The Nature Elemental asked me about my Happiness... I told it that my happiness is irrelevant... The truth is, Happiness is something I find very fleeting anymore... I never understood what Shinkuu meant about the world being Black & White... About how she could not feel warm feelings... Now I understand all too well... When you are crushed inside... When you are a bottomless empty pit... When your soul aches from abuse and your heart bleeds from assault... It is hard to even have the energy to pull your carcass from the ground and step out from your cave...

[Shinkuu]

Well as far as I can tell I have good news to put here. That is a pretty surprising change. I am almost scared to write this considering that when good things happen to me they usually get followed by bad things... I cannot help but look back at previous entries and notice it is more than a slight trend. Oh well... Here is hoping that curse was broken when I became whole.

So, despite what Mint would like me to write I must say that the best thing that happened is Vyridiun and Talika were awake with me. I tackled Vyrry and hugged and squeezed him something fierce. Later I got to snuggle my Hatchie like I would never let her go again. I had to struggle to do so just to write this. She means the world to me. She was very happy though, so happy her fiery aura came out to warm us while we slept.

I ran across a poor Drake near the Lake who was suffering some pretty serious emotional pain... I felt bad for him because he was calling for his dead father to speak to him and guide him. His family has all been lost over time and well... I felt like I was looking at a male reflection of myself. His name was Falkor and I welcomed him to be our friend and hopefully we can help make him feel at least good enough to want to live again.

We also went on a raid against Mint's father who had captured and imprisoned Tsavii. He was torturing her, I guess with starvation, and was going to kill her to try to get Mint to come to him. I would very much like to burn him to death repeatedly. Either way, Shinkuu lead us into battle and we messed the place up big time. We set the forest ablaze and distracted his forces while Shinkuu and Shadina saved Tsavii. It all went pretty well to be honest but as I was leaving I saw something terrifying. There was an army of over 300 rather elite Aegis coming... They came with a wave of putrid green energy mixed with black proceeding them that seemed to rot and dissolve everything it touched... Shinkuu says it was Plage coming with an army because he sensed her energies, or lake there of, there.

I do not know if we can ever hope to take this Lich... He is one seriously bad guy. He does not seem to mess around and I can only wonder if Mint's half siblings there and his father are dead now...

[Shinkuu]

I have good news and bad... My prediction of bad things following seems to have been half true this time... Wonderful... Well I guess that means I am making progress?

The good news in a sense is that Talika has undergone the long and horrid process known as the Rite of Passage and with our help was successful in becoming and adult... I knew it had to happen eventually but the Lake seems rather empty with my little girl now all grown up... She has gone into the world to try and make a positive difference... I wish her all the luck in the world and support her. She promises she will visit her beloved mother frequently.

Also it seems Iseia has finally awaken from her Coma! That is great news and takes that horrible weight off of me!

However... Vyridiun has decided that his link and obsession with Iseia is making it hard for him to not devote himself fully to caring for her... He is also having trouble staying emotionally attached to me... Perhaps our mateship was a bit rushed... It is hard to really understand it all but... He has decided he needs to just be my good friend and not my mate... I cannot help but think Mint's constant pining for me and hatred for him helped this to come to pass...

So... The Lake is silent... I am the only one who roams it now...

I saw Mintshade again recently... He was all over that Elf from the Guildlands. I think I have seen her before but I am not too familiar with her... She seemed to be an angry one... I thought he hated elves? He told me Tsavii has gone off to become a devote follower of Marrasat and has essentially left him... Well I guess that is fortunate for him because I can see where he is going...

Whatever... There does not seem to be much around for me. I am just going to stick to my Sister. Maybe I can go ballistic on some Aegis and Monsters to make myself feel better. We killed some Arbotus recently and learned more about Spiked Scales. It was fairly easy and we did it smartly. Tsume stayed on the big wall built by the Elves and rained Prime Bolts on them while I lured them over and ripped them to shreds.

[velveeta]

sorry to interrupt, shin, but as i read these, i keep getting distracted by your location!
i am in mich too, send a pm and let me know where! might be nice to meet someone local!

[Shinkuu]

I had a run in with a Blighted Dragon... Two I think in the Clearing. I am not going to sit back and take it anymore so I attacked them. Mint came out of nowhere and joined me. In the end one of them left and the other got purified. Lung however got in my way as he often does and I decided that I was not going to put up with his interference anymore so I attacked him. I knocked him out of the sky but in the end he survived to my annoyance. He is dangerous as he always allows the Blighted and Evil to walk in amongst our Young and Defenseless.

I will not put up with this stupid pacifist behavior that the likes of him and Nyoko propagate. They are DANGEROUS to us all by their lack of action and their acceptance of the evil and VERY corruptive influences into our society.

Later I got to snuggle with my Issy and feed her some snacks from the party. Mint got her a fish for me to cook and feed her. She went and walked on the beech with us which was wonderful. However... I had to put it to Mint...

Mint has mistreated me for a long time... He uses me for energy to stay alive and sane... That part I do not care about and I allow it... However, he also uses me as a source of closeness and love... Well I cannot accept that anymore... He lead me to believe I could perhaps be his mate at one time and he lied... He is mates with Dimmae and always has been... He is partially to blame for Vyridiun leaving me because he was ALWAYS pestering him and mistreating him... So he ruined MY Relationship just to keep his crutch around when he had NO intention of returning those feelings... I will NOT accept that sort of usury any longer.

After all the things I have done for Mint... After all the times I have saved him, all the times I have helped him, all the times I have been there for him when NO ONE ELSE WAS, all the times I put up with his bad behavior, all the times I stood up for him, all the times I have put my own feelings aside to try to support his happiness... After ALL that... He has the audacity to ruin my Relationship and once I am free, after he claims that he suffers because he loves me and wants to be my mate instead of Vyrry, he tries to invite me to a ceremony of some sort to rewed Dimmae? Oh HECK NO... He should be absolutely on his knees begging me not to be a thorn in her side until she leaves him the way he did to Vyrry... He is so unbelievably lucky that I am not that sort of person but he will get NOTHING from me from now on. If he wants to be back in my good graces he will have to work hard for it and he better be honest and an honest actor from now on.

[LungTien Temeraire]

(sorry for interruption, but... LungTien is dangerous now?
also, LungTien would have tried to point out if Ryzaak's mind was as blighted as his body, but Zarla didn't let him a second he would have done the same with the other one as well )

[Sereamha]

(sorry for interruption, but... LungTien is dangerous now?
also, LungTien would have tried to point out if Ryzaak's mind was as blighted as his body, but Zarla didn't let him a second he would have done the same with the other one as well )

(anyone that is blighted is a threat to anything living. In Zarla's eyes, Lung has allowed Azu to live and now was defending a clearly Aegis dragon. Understandably, she would believe Lung to be a danger. Anyway, that is my two cents )

[Shinkuu]

(sorry for interruption, but... LungTien is dangerous now?
also, LungTien would have tried to point out if Ryzaak's mind was as blighted as his body, but Zarla didn't let him a second he would have done the same with the other one as well )

(Niv is correct in her statements. Keep in mind these journals are very much IC not OOC. So none of my OOC feelings or knowledge are included in them. In Zarla's eyes Lung has on numerous occasions allowed Blighted and or Evil Dragons and other creatures to not only live and not be cleansed but even welcomed them amongst innocent Hatchies where they could do the most harm. The fact that Lung often takes the tact to wait for known and dangerous creatures to kill, corrupt, or torment someone before he takes action instead of preempting the attack in the first place is irresponsible and dangerous in Zarla's eyes.)

[LungTien Temeraire]

(Don't take me wrong, I am aware these journals are IC, and I have no problem with it I was amused to see LungTien depicted as a dangerous dragon. And no, LungTien doesn't wait to see an evil being harm/kill a hatchling, if the evil being tries under LungTien's eyes, the ancient will surely interfere.)