(This is journal is written with a larger tool like a Rune Stylus but seems still to be done in good hand)

I have been through quite a journey. My soul grew cold from lack of love it seems. I slowly died inside. Trying to hold up the world on my shoulders was too much to ask of one lonely soul. I lost my energy and even my powerful soul could not continue...

I froze inside and shed my body in order to protect and stay near Mintshade... My one truest friend. I spent what seems to me now like forever with him... I watched over him and protected his mind. Then my soul decided it should bring my flesh back and try again but it was not so easy as it thought.

I came back a horrid mess. I was frozen... Bitterly cold on the inside. My flesh was cracked and broken with frost bite, my blood was ice, my eyes were spheres of ice that did not work, my wings broke off. I was a horrible mess of a creature barely alive at all but very strong in my own dull icey way.

I have since reverted to Khutite form and find that this smaller body is easier to keep warm. I still feel the cold inside. My soul is not what it once was. It is no longer the flaming spawn of Drulkar. It is just a cold cinder of its former self waiting to either be snuffed out or reignited. I fear my eternal end may be coming but I am struggling to stay lit. I fear what I really am is nothing more than a gift from the Gods to a struggling Sslik who lost their children. That I was there to make what I call my "Mother" happy because she was a good person and lost her eggs to the Spiders. I fear this because it was my departure to avenge my "Father's" death that lead to Her death. Me and my Sister died and did not return to the world until months later and Mother feeling she had lost everything all over again died of heart break...

If that is my true nature I failed. If that was my goal in existing then I am a failure of epic proportion. If that is my nature then there is no point in me continuing to exist and I will soon be snuffed out I am sure. Mother... I am so sorry Mother... I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to leave you alone... I should have left Tsume to comfort you... I wish I could have told you we were ok.

Failure... It marks my every life event. It haunts me as if we are bound as mates. Whatever I do eventually it ends in failure. Whatever I try to help gets worse. Whatever I try to make falls apart. Whatever I try to accomplish seems to pale. I have defending Lesser Aradoth from the Blighted... It was my only real accomplishment... It seems hollow some how these days.

Mintshade is a good friend to me and he is the only other thing I seem not to make worse. He would not accept my Gift... I wanted to give it to him. He needs it more than this pathetic Soul does. It made me sad that he would not take it... I thought maybe I could do one good thing. One great sacrifice that would really make a big difference... He could do so much with my Gift... However, he would not take it. It seems I could not even do that right. Failure just follows my footsteps and embraces me. What a lovely friend to have... Failure.

However, at least I tend to help Mint for the most part and he seems to really like me. I do not know why I feel so strongly for him. It is not that I want to make him my mate... It sounds funny because he is an elf but I think of him like an older brother for some reason. I want to be close to him like family is close. I want to comfort him and make things better for him so he can be happy. I love hearing him cackle and seeing him smile.

I am spending time in Sslanis to grow stronger in my Soul. The people there remember me and my Sister and many really love us for helping to defend them and taking their Rite of the Hunter. They make me warmer inside. I could take a Sslik as a mate without a problem. I wish I could find the right one...

Shinkuu visited me. She seemed softer than usual and apologized for trying to hurt my Soul a lot. It helped me to feel warmer inside and she actually hugged me. It is a bit rare for Shinkuu to be so affectionate so I took that gesture to heart deeply. She is a tortured soul too. She is on the edge of Oblivion most of the time and her heart struggles HARD to keep her from bowing to the Void and becoming a monster more frightening than all the Aegis combined. The Blighted aggravate her situation and those who succumb to the Blight and let it have their Souls really angers her and flares up that Void inside. I fear some day she will finally snap and go all the way over the edge as she almost did. Be Strong Shadina... You are the only thing keeping that poor Saris woman from falling into a darkness so deep that nothing ever returns.

Well I need to wrap up this journal and my wrist is getting tired. This stylus thing is a bit bulky but it seems to work ok.