After yesterday's exciting game of "what do you mean I can't hit the loading screen in full-screen mode without crashing my computer," the ante has been upped! To make a short story shorter, I can barely even browse the web, and it looks like there needs to be a new video card in my life.
As an aside, I am clearly not cut out for computer ownership, because I sit here thinking "my old video card lasted almost five years before it melted itself and I didn't even know it had a fan" as if this is somehow a reasonable expectation for all video cards.
Sigh. I'll hurry back, someone keep the bench warm for me!