Originally Posted by
Kaerisk
I know I should be around more often.
But you know, it's a hassle for me to come around. I've been Maekrux for such a long time, and there is so much history behind him, that he is often obstinate and difficult to play. He has experienced the greatest joys, and the greatest sorrows, that any sentient creature can experience. This experience is his greatest asset - for he can help any who seek him out, foresee every twist, turn, and mistake made, and generally be prepared for anything - but it is also his greatest flaw, for it makes him fear to do new things and open himself to more pain, more Fadings, more wasted effort to see nothing he passes on survive. Indeed, Maekrux is a historian not only for his knowledge of lore, but for the fact that he inhabits the past. Often when I log on, if Mae doesn't go to New Trismus, he wanders his lair and remembers each memory made in each room, or visits other places that have great meaning to his past.
I know what you might say: play another character. But I have tried. I built up Ausixen, and so on, but none had the same magic that Maekrux has. For me, Maekrux is Istaria. To replace him would be to replace Istaria, which is self-defeating.
Ever since I began to focus on word-smithing as a living, the desire to retreat to Istaria or other worlds for roleplay has been fickle. A part of me certainly loves and enjoys it, but the malaise of working with words takes some of the joy out of it too. But this just compounds the existent problem. Add to that a sense of unwelcome-ness - from no particular individual, just a consequence of my self-esteem and shyness - and you can see why it is a chore to log on, and far more a chore to roleplay.