A Heartfelt Notion of Sorrow
*sighs* Where to begin...
It's been several weeks since I was last in Istaria as some of you may or may not have noticed. When I was there, I fought with myself against making the one choice I honestly didn't think I'd ever consider; which was to intentionally resign myself from the world. After what appeared to be an eternity of reliving memories from the past and silenty watching events unfold in the present, the choice to leave seemed to unfortunately be the one I found myself leaning towards. However; I do not fault this entirely on Istaria, as there are factors in the realm of reality that also push me in this direction. Those factors are things that I am naturally working to resolve, and it does appear that good news is on the horizon for me.
In regards to Istaria, allow me to state a few things that have been running through my mind these past few weeks. Bear with me, I can be quite long-winded:
This choice for me is insanely difficult. You would never think that deciding to stay or leave in a world such as this would bring a person such emotional pain, but my attachment to this place and all of my friends goes far beyond words. Is it merely because I have been here since beta? Perhaps it's due to my various adventure and crafting classes that I stand to lose. Hmm. No, it's not that either. So, among the many possible reasons I may have, what could make this choice so hard for me? In short, all of you. It's no secret that my friends are what bind me to Istaria. It was the kind actions of a complete stranger that got me to stay upon my arrival, when I knew absolutely nothing about this world or how to live within it. We became friends, and soon I had made a few more. Those friends helped me grow (not level wise, but as a person) and I began to change from the quiet and timid wanderer to the "loveably strange" adventurer you all know today. I made a promise to myself back then. As long as I have my friends, I will stay in Istaria. The friends that promise was made for have long since moved on, while I stayed behind.
I made new friends as time passed on; and while it still pained me to think of my friends who were no longer here, I had met more wonderful people that helped me to continue enjoying the world. While these "new friends" are now people that I have known for quite some time, I would've been gone long before had I not met them. So, my promise was renewed. Unfortunately, those friends have also moved on. For awhile, I continued that cycle, basically afraid to leave those that I became attached to. Yes, it may sound stupid, but I have an attachment to each and every single person I have ever called a friend in Istaria. It's as I've said before, you all mean more to me than I can ever tell you. In one way or another, you've all given me something to be happy about over these few years. From Glimmers' tackle pounce all the way to Phillip attempting to "pimp me", I have a fond memory of all of you. Every memory may not be right at the top of my head, but believe me...I have a special moment that I remember for everyone that I've ever crossed paths with.
You are my greatest strength, and also my greatest weakness. For quite some time, I have resisted leaving because I didn't want to leave my friends. While Istaira may be an imagined world, the friends that are made are very real. I have some people in this world that I am closer to than those in reality. I happen to cherish friendships a great deal, and the thought of intentionally putting one at risk of deteriorating or fading completely is a hard thought for me to deal with. I have struggled with this for several months, and even in my recent absence. I can honestly say that it hurts to think of not talking to or seeing some of you again. Kwinn in his Battlemage gear (and one of the few who refuse to wear an invisible helm), standing at the Bristugo portal with items to sell and tactical advise to share. Sonea and her Southern Stout and Awdz's Klava; Mystif's amazingly accurate News Network; Flozzie and his drunken insults...haha, Warsong's flirts and bashing of Maiyr; Nich's beach runs, the happiness Hoberton showed the day I made his suit, my days at Ye Old Pub, ToGath and his dedication to remembering how much I love Ethereal Tablets, Yuusuke's kind and thoughtful conversation, Lynara's silly jokes, and so many more. Don't think I have forgotten you just because I don't mention your name; trust me when I say that I won't forget a single soul. I think I would be able to write a novel based on my memories of various people, past and present.
My reason for leaving is not simply because of the transfer of Istaria to EI, nor is it due to the performance of Horizons as a whole. I am leaving primarily because I have to find a reason to stay that doesn't wholly depend on my friends being there. It's not fair to any of you to have to be my crutch to remain a part of this world.
I don't want to leave this world and my friends. I truly and honestly don't. However, I feel that this is a choice I have to make right now. If it's meant for me to ever return, then rest assured that you will see me running around in my boxers in the Eastern Blight. However, if it is not meant for me, then please know that I am going to miss every single Istarian incredibly...and you have been the best friends that I could have ever asked for in this virtual world.
Your friend always,
- Carinde
